Rants of a Sassy Stew

Crewmember Safety Tips From an Ex-Cop (ME!)

2011-08-06T15:02:00.001-04:00

If for some reason you have never read the subtitle to my blog, I was a police officer back in the day. So yes, I am very anal about this shit. Ohhhh snap, I just said anal!

So yeah – here are my security tips for flight crew. Use them so you don’t get raped and/or murdered. I don’t want any of you to wake up dead on an overnight. That would seriously suck.

Social Media:

For the love of God, whilst on an overnight please do NOT check into your hotel on Foursquare, Facebook or Twitter. Not only are you advertizing exactly where you are to potential “strangers”, but also that you will be there all alone for the evening. If you’re a lucky whore and not alone, fuck it--go for it!!

If you MUST check-in please consider using the privacy features that give you the ability to edit people into different “groups”, and only publish your location to those on your trusted list.

Checking into airports is safe, in my opinion. I do it to hook up with fellow crewmembers if I am on a long sit. There are thousands of people there at any given time, so I'm cool with that.

Hotel:

If you are checking-in to your room and the clerk loudly announces your room number in a crowded lobby, kindly ask for another room. They will pick up what you’re putting down, as they are aware that they are not supposed to do such.

Use only initials and last name when signing in to your hotel. Make certain the hotel personnel stows away the sign-in information before you leave the area. Also, write down the room numbers of your crew and notify them if you change your room.

I once worked on a teeny Barbie jet where I was the only stew, so it was just the 2 pilots and I. They were very protecting of me! If you aren’t lucky enough to have a Captain or FO that will make sure you get to your room safely, please do the following:

When you arrive to your room open the door and prop it open with your rollerboard. Walk in, turn on the lights and check every room, behind doors, closets, bathroom, shower, behind curtains and drapes, under the bed, etc. to make sure that no one is there.

Yes, I actually do this. Every single time. Unfortunately many a stew has been raped, not knowing that someone was hiding in his or her room.

Once you are safely locked in your room and kicking it, do not answer the door unless it is a (yummy) crewmember. If a hotel employee/repairmen knocks on your door, call the front desk and verify what they are there for. If it is a housekeeper I typically just speak to them through the door (“GTFO”). Also, if you must open the door, you can always use the safety lock that prevents the door from fully opening.

During Flight:

JFC! DO NOT EVER TELL A PASSENGER WHERE WE STAY! I have been on many a flight where FAs actually tell random people the name ad location of our hotel. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Of course people ask me all the time, but I NEVER tell them. I mean if you want to get raped that’s all good – but I’m not down for that shit, yo.

My standby answer (as to not be rude) is usually something like: “Ohhhh, I am not sure, the Captain hasn’t mentioned it yet.” In most cases they’re none the wiser, and in the meantime I don’t look like an asshole insinuating that they will rape and/or murder me if I tell them.

Do not discuss your hotel, overnight plans, etc. in front of passengers.

Note: *Please disregard all previous advice if it is a super-hot guy*

Stay safe, guys!

….and BUH-BYE!

A Sassy Response to Christopher Elliot's Article on Flight Attendants Hating Passengers

2011-08-01T21:52:00.002-04:00

My personal response to Mr. Christopher Elliot’s article on Frommer’s:

"That's Ridiculous! Do Flight Attendants Really Hate Us?

Are flight attendants increasingly apathetic, or has therole of a flight attendant just become as outdated as the term 'stewardess'?"

(Click above title to be linked to the original article)

Really? Are you fucking serious with that article Mr. Elliot?? Do you truly think that flight attendants no longer care?

Your “preponderance of horror stories” listed are hardly stellar examples in support of your argument. For example, the entire “Skycap” story has zero relevance to flight attendants, so I am not quite sure as to why it is even mentioned in your article. In addition, due to FARs (Federal Aviation Regulations), flight attendants are NOT PERMITTED to leave the aircraft until every passenger has deplaned, so unfortunately if there is a passenger in need and on the jetbridge/jetway we are unable to leave the plane to assist them. That is what the Skycaps are used for, as it is their primary duty (and as an aside, they are not even employed by the airlines). Passengers are responsible for making the appropriate arrangements for wheelchairs and assistance at the time of booking and/or check-in. We as flight crew help to facilitate this by advising the pilots prior to landing, as well as informing the gate agent when the main cabin door is opened, as yet another reminder.

As far as your “But yes, they served passengers back in the day” comment referring to FAs I am slightly confused. How exactly do passengers go about getting their meals, beverages, magazines, duty-free items, etc. without the flight attendants serving them? Maybe I am missing something here – but I don’t think this is all done via spontaneous generation. The passengers ARE indeed served, and typically served well, with a smile, and maybe even some fun conversation. Shocking, right?!

Regarding your comment: “I get stories like hers on an almost-daily basis, from flight attendants who refuse to help you stow your luggage in the overhead bin (because it's against union rules)”. Unfortunately you didn’t completely research this topic because not all airlines have a union (Virgin America, Delta & JetBlue to list a few) so it is in fact COMPANY POLICY. I don’t consider not following company policy to be “rude”, for me it is called job preservation. My children kind of need to eat.

I am incredibly sympathetic to what air travelers have to go through before they even arrive to the aircraft. Parking, rushing, security/TSA, etc. We get it, because guess what? We go through the same exact thing. So yes, I totally get it. The thing is, it’s hardly an excuse to treat me like an uneducated laborer, a servant, and a punching bag by some overly-entitled-triple-studded-diamond-platinum-chairman asshole.

KINDNESS BEGETS KINDNESS.

Also for the record I have NEVER seen a flight attendant not willingly assist an ill passenger or someone in need.

You mention how troubled you are by this statement used often "We're here to save your butt -- not kiss it." I've never heard it spoken, even once.

Moreover, in reference to your comment: "why not hire security guards or EMTs to take their place? Wouldn't they do a far more efficient job of saving or protecting lives?"

I actually AM a former police officer and paramedic, as are many of the stews that I work with. So there's that...

I think that this blog and its stories offer a fairly good representation of some of the absolutely RIDICULOUS shit that FAs have to put up with on a daily basis. If you happen to run in to a few here and there that are less than friendly, it is hardly a reflection on every crewmember on every airline. There are bad apples in every profession, even journalism. A prudent person has the ability to see that it doesn't make most flight attendants or journalists hateful people.

And because I know you will reference this blog as an example supporting the FAs and their hate of passengers – let me go ahead stop you right there. This venue is a place for my (sometimes poor) attempt at humor, as well as a therapeutic journal of sorts. Please see the caveat on my blog that mentions, “I have also found that the large majority of passengers are kind, compliant and even nice. The rest of them? These are their stories...”

As you can see, this leaves a very small percentage of passengers, so this blog is hardly a representation of the entire flying public and I went out of my way to make that known.

Oh and one more thing, if I “hated” or “strongly disliked” most passengers, I obviously wouldn’t be subjecting myself to this shit. Trust me on that.

Have a great day, and BUH-BYE!

If You Have the Nerve to Use These Noxious Items During a Flight, You’re an Asshole.

2011-07-26T23:00:00.002-04:00

OK, but seriously…who in their right fucking mind would think that it is acceptable to use such items inside of a not so well ventilated and enclosed metal tube?

Nail Polish. For the love of God, do NOT paint your nails during a flight. Everyone will hate you, but probably not as much as me.

Markers. One is fine, 48 Sharpies = Not Fucking Cool.

Bad Gas. Kindly refrain from eating for 24 hours prior to flight.

Hairspray. Take it easy, Tammy Faye.

Nail Polish Remover. Please see # 1, asshole.

Cheap-Ass Perfume. Ladies here’s a little tip for you, take a bath and thoroughly wash your ‘Bermuda Triangle’. There ain’t no covering up that nastiness if your biznatch isn't clean.

Strong Cheap Cologne. Example: Axe Body Spray. Just no. Women do NOT like that shit. It will more than likely repel any female over the age of 16.

Compound W. Yes, this actually happened on one of my flights. Some asshole was TREATING HIS WARTS ON THE PLANE!

Thank you for flying with us today, and BUH-BYE!

OK, So Which One of You Fucked Skeletor?

2011-07-23T20:20:00.000-04:00

Marc Anthony Nailed Some Stewardess

July 21st, 2011 3:25 PM by Free Britney

From: TheHollywoodGossip.com

The surprising Jennifer Lopez-Marc Anthony split continues to generate rumors regarding why the seemingly-happy couple is divorcing after seven years.
Us' cover story suggests infidelity was a concern - if not an overt reason - for the twosome, parents to 3-year-old twins Emme and Max, parting ways.
At issue specifically? Anthony's fling with a flight attendant.

A source says that Anthony hooked up with a flight attendant he met aboard a private plane in 2009, and that for J. Lo, that was almost it right there.
"Marc and Jennifer almost split up over it," the source says. "Jennifer was going to leave him then, but Marc begged her to stay. They went to marriage counseling and she gave it another shot. He was someone she truly loved."
Although Anthony and the American Idol judge weathered that storm of infidelity, his jealousy over Lopez's sex symbol status and successful career continued to drive a wedge between them - one they ultimately couldn't bridge.
Marc's controlling behavior over his wife's wardrobe and business endeavors - and his own unfounded paranoia - ultimately did them in. Very sad.

Story from: TheHollywoodGossip.com Check out their site, they are the balls!

What the Fuck is up with Passengers going “NUTS”?

2011-07-15T01:18:00.000-04:00

Ahhhhh nuts!

So a passenger that was upset about not being allowed to use his electronic cigarette midflight felt that it would be a superb idea to throw a bag of NUTS at a stew AND at the flight deck? REALLY?

I seriously don’t fucking get it.

OK, so I would like to break this down. First of all this was a 42-year-old man, not a FOUR-YEAR-OLD throwing shit. WTF is up with a grown man having a temper tantrum like a little crybaby?

WHO RAISED THIS PERSON? Was he raised in a zoo? I don't get how people like this function out in the world. Oh shit! Maybe there is some sort of nut-throwing commune I am unaware of?? Yes! That’s it!!

I hope those nuts were worth it you tool. It must have sucked to be escorted off the plane by the FBI.

Mr. Douchey McDoucherson was arrested and charged with interference with a flight crew. BWAHAHAHAAA, dumb-ass. Guess who won’t ever be flying again??!

Speaking of nuts, I would have punched him in his (what I assume to be) shriveled up ones.

Moral of the story: Please keep your fucking nuts to yourself.

BUH-BYE!

Attention All Grandes, Gays & Grannies! IT’S GIVEAWAY TIME!!

2011-06-25T22:40:00.003-04:00

It's our very first GIVEAWAY!

All you need to do is “like” our Facebook page. Easy-peasy, right? If you are currently a fan, THANK YOU! You are already have one entry.

Also, as an added incentive: if you go to our Facebook page and tell your friends about us by clicking the “SHARE” button (on the bottom left-hand side below our likes), you will receive one additional entry! Make sure to tag the “Rants of a Sassy Stew” page in your comments so that I know to count you in for a second entry.

The lucky winner will receive an amazing matching leather ‘Tiffany’ Blue Belle Hop Luggage Tag and Passport Cover, along with one mystery item. This set is AB FAB!

“Travel in style. This Belle Hop leather set is perfect for jet-setters”

I would definitely call the set unisex, however it would also make a wonderful gift for that special stew in your life if you were feeling generous. He or she doesn’t need to know that you won it, and your secret is totally safe with us.
*pinky swear*

We will do the RANDOM DRAWING on July 1^st & the winner will be announced on July 3^rd, so hurry up and get your hot little asses to “liking” & “sharing”!

How About a Good Old-Fashioned NASAL RAPING?

2011-06-24T23:00:00.003-04:00

So a quick recap of my week, enjoy!

Tuesday: Go to my follow-up ear tube Doctor’s appointment. 5 minutes into the visit I am scheduled for a septoplasty, turbinate removal & endoscopic sinus surgery that Thursday.

Wednesday: Shitting a brick and popping Xanax until 12am (no eating/drinking after midnight).

Thursday: Wake up at BFF’s crib, she takes me to the hospital, I get put to sleep where I am subsequently nasally & sinusally (I just made up that word) raped. I “come to” and am pretty sure that someone also ran over me with a truck, twice. Fuckers.

Friday: Hopped up on drugs. No longer shitting bricks due to Percocet’s constipation side effect.

Saturday: I think I cried, a lot…but I’m not sure. I don’t remember. If spoke to you on this day, please disregard anything that I may have said. Thank you Percocet!

Sunday: I want to marry my pills. I’M ALL FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY, YO!

Monday: Nasally raped (yet again) by my doc when he removed the plastic splints that were sutured into each nostril. Prayed to baby Jesus that I didn’t punch him in the face.

P.S. I love my physician for giving me the best birthday gift ever. He is an amazing man, and has completely changed my life.

P.P.S. My BFF was the best nurse, and took great care of me. I couldn’t have gone through this without her love and support.

P.P.P.S. If this shit doesn’t work, I promise to cut my own head off --- with a fork.

Hey, Could You Do Me a Favor and Take This Shit Off of The Plane with You?

2011-06-06T01:11:00.002-04:00

You have some serious fucking balls leaving this shit in your seat back pocket.

Asshole.

Things you CANNOT leave on the plane:

Dirty Diapers (yes, this actually happens)
Nasty brown banana peels
Food boxes full of stinky shit
Used condoms
Illicit drugs
Smelly socks
Cheerios all over the floor
Melted chocolate bars
Used chewing gum (it doesn’t go inside the safety information card, douche)
ANY DUMB SHIT YOU BROUGHT WITH YOU

Things you CAN leave on the plane:

iPads
Computers
Cash
iPods
Good books
Gossip mags
Bose headsets
Phone number (only if you’re hot)
Cashmere sweater in my size
ANYTHING EXPENSIVE

Dear Passengers, Here are the Answers to ALL of Your (Dumb-Ass) Inflight Questions!

2011-05-27T02:42:00.003-04:00

A recent conversation with a handsome young stew sparked the following blog entry.

Regardless of where we are in the world, or what we are doing during the flight -- here are your answers:

Q: What River is that down there? A: The Mississippi.

Q: Am I going to make my connection? A: BWAHAHAHAAAAA!

Q: How fast are we going? A: Fast enough to propel this metal tube through the air? Fuck if I know.

Q: Where are we right now? A: At 30,000 feet.

Q: Can you call the Captain and have him find out the score of the big game? A: No problem, I’m sure he’s not doing anything of importance up there.

Q: What Mountain is that? A: Everest.

Q: Is this your usual route? A: Abso-fucking-lutely.

Q: Do you fly right back? A: Yes, I will be leaving Tokyo to go directly back to Los Angeles for my 35-hour workday.

Q: So, where do you guys stay? What hotel? A: Only if you are a serial killer or rapist will I tell you.

Q: What state are we over right now? A: Kansas.

Q: How come crew members don’t get jet lag? A: Because we are robots that are powered-down at the end of our shift.

Q: Could you call the Captain so he can radio ahead and have them hold my connecting flight? A: BWAHAHAHAHAA!!

Q: What city is that down there? A: Chicago

Q: Can you turn up the heat? A: Bring a sweater next time, asshole.

Q: Where is baggage claim? A: Completely wild guess here, but I would probably just follow the arrows on that huge sign above you that says “BAGGAGE CLAIM”.

Q: Will we be having prime rib or lobster on this flight (nyuck-nyuck)? A: I hate you.

Q: Is this the bathroom (whilst pointing to the door with the doorknob on it marked ‘lavatory’)? How do I open the door? A: Ummm, I dunno? It’s a door, maybe just put your hand on the knob…and turn it??

Q: I can’t be late; can’t we just fly through that thunderstorm and/or tornado? A: Sure, just drop me off first.

Q: Are we there yet? A: Go fuck yourself.

My Hellish Flight as a Passenger Today

2011-05-14T17:57:00.000-04:00

I was flying home, plenty of open seats, on my own airline, so of course all is well.

Or so I thought…

So I am sitting in the last row (my preference) and the seats do not recline. For me that really is no biggie, so whatevs. All I know is that I want my ass as close to an exit as possible!! Anyway, after take-off I put the tray table down to enjoy the lovely sushi that I had brought with me, and BAM!! The bitch in front of me reclines her seat. She didn’t just press the little button and gently push the seat back like a normal human being…she did it VIOLENTLY. Was she so oblivious that she didn’t see or hear me directly behind her? Oh wait, I’m sorry…in HER narcissistic mind she was the only person on the flight. I was NOT HAPPY. There go my chopsticks onto the nasty urine & puke soaked carpet. Yay.

My only saving grace was that prior to landing when I had to stow the tray table back into position -- I did NOT do so very gingerly. I'm guessing she got the idea.

So there I am in the back trying to eat my sushi (WITH MY HANDS, thanks bitch), with NO DRINK mind you, because the stews from my own company don’t even offer me anything…but wait it gets better. The stew in the back? For 13-fucking-minutes she was LOUDLY chopping, slamming and breaking up ice. Yes, I timed it. I was fucking raging. I had 18% battery power left on my iPhone, so I had to bite the bullet and plug that shit in. The only other option at that point was to somehow obtain an ice pick and repeatedly stab her in the uterus with it.

Then she starts SLAMMING the hell out of every single bin and cart, two times over. My inner dialogue at that point was “if she slams that crap one more fucking time I am going to totally lose my shit”. I was serious.

iPhone battery power now at 10%. FUCK. ME.

Oh and one more thing. When you are making a public announcement on the interphone, it’s not ALL ONE BIG LONG SENTENCE! Take a goddamned breath, pause, and inflect a little something, ANYTHING! It was one constant stream of consciousness that almost caused me to stab myself in the throat with my urine/puke chopsticks.

iPhone battery power now…at….ohhhhhh.....shit. BYE.

Hey TSA…REALLY??!

2011-05-10T13:12:00.001-04:00

OK, so WTF is the deal with crewmembers being forced to go through TSA screenings?

I fucking HATE IT!! I don’t know about the rest of you, but I often feel like a complete asshole when I skip ahead in line, especially when a passenger makes some jerky and completely uncalled for comment. “Excuse me sir, if I am not able to get through this line in a timely fashion – your dumb-ass isn’t going anywhere”.

So, here’s the deal: PILOTS ARE FLYING THE GODDAMNED PLANE. I suppose they could do whateverthefuck they wanted to, right? Shit, many of them even carry guns. Why in the hell should they have to go through security? I mean, REALLY?!

As far as Flight Attendants, we go through an extensive 10-year background check prior to employment. We are also exempt from the liquid restriction (3oz, etc.), so what exactly are you looking for Mr. TSA Man? My large traveling vibrator? The extensive porn collection that I never leave home without? Yeah, it’s all there, but it sure as shit isn’t bringing down a plane. I don’t know about you, but if I were flying on a plane I would want my crewmembers HAPPY (and at least somewhat “satisfied”).

Oh, and for the record…we do NOT get paid at the airport, which includes going through security.

For fuck’s sake…

Thank you for flying with us, and BUH-BYE!

(And just in case you’re not picking up what I am putting down with this post, I am well aware that the TSA is necessary and does a great job. I am only speaking of on-duty crewmembers with unlimited access to aircraft. Also, I am obviously not speaking of the TSA agents themselves, as they aren’t the people responsible for this implementation.)

Disclaimer: I have not given away any confidential security information, nor would I. As a former cop, trust me – that shit isn’t going to happen, ever. Pilots carrying guns is public knowledge, and most are aware of this post-9/11 program.

It’s Called a SAFETY DEMO for a Reason!

2011-05-07T03:39:00.010-04:00

Here’s the thing, I really don’t give a shit if you fly a million miles a year
(Side note: If you’re one of those douchebag business travelers that tries to tell me that you fly more than I do? I have your answer: YOU DON’T!), or this is your first flight ever -- you really should pay attention.

So anyway, one of my biggest pet peeves are passengers that feel the need to have full on, loud and obnoxious conversations DURING our safety demonstration. And not for nothin’, AND for many reasons…this is a huge pet peeve for moi. I don’t know about you, but I think that knowing what the fuck to do during an emergency is probably something you should be pretty familiar with. I guess I am old-fashioned that way.

Some experts believe that as many as 30 percent of the deaths in airplane accidents could have been prevented if people knew what to do and took action.

So when I am in the middle of the cabin doing my safety demo, please PAY FUCKING ATTENTION! If you’re uninterested (...and that’s your prerogative Mr. Bobby Brown), please do not yap that pie hole of yours making it difficult for other passengers that actually ARE interested in getting out alive and not dying in a huge fireball... to hear and see what we are demonstrating.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been standing in the aisle doing my thing, and the passengers on either side of me actually start yelling across the aisle (and me) to have some sort of retarded conversation as I am attempting to do my job. Would I come to your boring-as-shit office and prevent you from doing YOURS? Probably not. But that's because I have manners and was raised properly by loving parents that taught me how to be respectful. But I digress…

Just do me a favor, be respectful of the flight attendants that are attempting to do their job which is primarily to keep you safe and get you the fuck out ALIVE. Serving you a Coke with your retarded 2 ice cubes comes second to that shit. Got it, Mr. Triple, Platinum, Double-Studded, Chairman, Gold, Quadruple, Diamond, I-Fly-More-Than-Anyone-Else-In-The-Whole-Fucking-World traveler?

OK -- so in all seriousness, I would like to share a few common sense/important points for you to keep in mind in case of an emergency evacuation:

(For starters: I recommend prior to taking off to count the number of rows from your seat to all of the exits.)

1. NEVER BRING YOUR ITEMS WITH YOU! If your flight attendants are yelling commands such as “GET OUT”, “EVACUATE”, or the like …just do it. Follow their direction. You’d be surprised, but some idiots whilst evacuating an aircraft DURING AN EMERGENCY will actually attempt to bring their laptops, luggage, etc. LEAVE EVERYTHING!! That shit is replaceable. Your life? Not so much.

2. If an exit is blocked by fire, water or debris, go to the next usable exit. Again, follow the flight attendants commands and instructions. They will be screaming them loudly and directing you where to go.

3. Have a few able-bodied people assist passengers off of the slides.

4. If a flight attendant (especially me) is injured, just shove him or her down the slide.

5. Get as far away from the aircraft as possible, and stay together.

6. Do not let anyone return to the aircraft or smoke.

7. Hang tight, and don’t panic. YOU LIVED FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

As flight attendants we get the occasional (what people think are funny and clever) comment such as “well if we crash, we’re all gonna die anyway”. That is a myth, and simply untrue.

In fact, according to the US government (NTSB), 95.7 percent of the passengers involved in aviation accidents make it out ALIVE. Dude. Ninety Five Fucking Percent LIVE!

The chances of dying on your next flight are one in 60 million. I'll sure as shit that THOSE kind of odds!

And if you don’t believe me…Google that shit.

Thank you for flying with us, and BUH-BYE!!

Well, Folks, It Appears Some Shithead Down There Is Shining A Laser Pointer Into The Cockpit And We're About To Crash

2011-05-01T05:37:00.001-04:00

Well, Folks, It Appears Some Shithead Down There Is Shining A Laser Pointer Into The Cockpit And We're About To Crash

By Capt. Denny MacMillon
April 12, 2011

From the flight deck, this is your captain. Just want to give you a quick update as we make our final preparations for landing. The current weather in Los Angeles is 67 degrees with a slight northwesterly breeze, and in case you're wondering why the plane feels like it's completely out of control, well, there's currently some fuckface standing on the roof of his car down near the tarmac shining a laser pointer directly into in my eyes.

I literally can't see a goddamn thing.

A natural question for you to ask would be, "What kind of sick individual does this?" On behalf of myself and my first officer whom you can hear screaming in the background, I'm sorry to say these motherfuckers do exist. In fact, there were almost 3,000 lasering incidents last year alone—enough that they even warrant their own term: "laserings." By the way, in case you're keeping track, that's eight instances per day in which a human being—someone with a conscience who ostensibly knows the difference between right and wrong—drives to an airport, gets out of his car, and entertains himself by shining a fucking laser pointer directly into a pilot's eyes.

If you're saying to yourself, "You'd have to be a real piece of shit to do something like that because you could kill 300 people," you'd get no argument from me, seeing as I am currently trying to safely land a packed 747 while human garbage is making figure eights in my window.

Now, if I were a passenger on this plane, which I essentially am right now because this blinding light has basically rendered my pilot's license useless, I'd be filled with confusion and anger as to why I was about to die so meaninglessly. Also, I would be pretty shocked to learn that the biggest threat to air travel since 9/11 is apparently bored cocksuckers blinding pilots with the same device cat owners use to make their pets chase their tails around. So let me go ahead and give you permission to turn on your cell phones and wireless devices so you can call your families and tell them you love them. And while you're at it, do a quick search for "laser pointers and pilots." That's right, you live in a world in which the following news headlines have been written: "Pilots Report More Danger From Laser Beams," and "FBI Probes Lasers Aimed At Plane Cockpits."

This is happening so often that the fucking FBI is involved, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, flight attendants, please prepare the cabin for impact, and passengers, please take a second to ponder mankind's inherent ignorance and cruelty. Whoops, sorry, didn't mean to turn the seat-belt sign off just then. Once again, I cannot see what the hell I'm doing.

Now, what this dickhead probably doesn't understand is that when you shine a laser pointer into a cockpit, it's very different from shining one on the ground. I imagine that Mr. Fuckstick down there is envisioning a comical scene in which I am swatting a red dot from my face as if it were some sort of nagging fly. That he won't actually be able to see me do this because he is nearly four miles below me, and that the only real payoff he will get from his "joke" is a deadly plane crash, makes this whole situation truly mindless. By the way, if any of you do survive the initial impact and resulting third-degree burns and are heading on to Charlotte, your connecting gate is A8—that's Gate A8—and that flight is on time for its scheduled departure.
Anyway, as I was saying, when one shines a laser pointer into a cockpit, the light is refracted by the windshield and causes the entire cabin to be filled with a blinding light. Just a little photonics lesson for you.
I literally do not have control of this airplane right now.

I will say there is one positive amid all this, though: Statistically, it's possible someone on this plane has shined, or is planning to shine, a laser pointer into a pilot's eyes themselves. If I'm talking about you, please just sit back, relax, and relish in the delicious irony that you might die tonight because some other shithead is playing that sick little game, too.

With that in mind, we know you have a choice when traveling and we'd like to thank you for flying with us today. I've just been told by air-traffic control it's too late to pull up, so the best we can hope for now is to crash into this fucking prick while he tries to run away.

We'll have you on the ground in about 15 seconds.

Click here to view this article on The Onion

Adam Carolla Ranting With Flight Attendant About Airplane Lavatories (NSFW)

2011-04-27T16:05:00.001-04:00

"Adam has an extended conversation with an airline stewardess who complains about people who use the plane toilets and never flush. Adam rants about airline announcements and talks about the proper way to use airplane restrooms."

15 Tips on Becoming a Better Coach Passenger

2011-04-18T18:46:00.000-04:00

(MY NEW HERO -- Make sure to check out his website: http://thepointsguy.com/)

15 Tips on Becoming a Better Coach Passenger

by The Points Guy on April 11, 2011

in Points Guy Pointers

Over the past three weeks, I’ve flown over 23,000 miles in coach and 24+ hours in cramped metal tubes reminded me that the rules of engagement in coach are much different than business or first class. Somewhere over Greenland yesterday I thought I’d jot down my thoughts to help others become better economy class citizens.

Coach on a Delta transatlantic 757. A small space for 8+ hour flights, like ARN-JFK

1) Try to figure out your seating situation before boarding the plane. On each flight I saw people scrambling to change seats once they were on-board and I even faced my prime exit row seats being taken by others. In fact on the flight yesterday, a woman was complaining loudly to the flight attendant that “because she had a urinary tract infection” she couldn’t sit in a middle seat for 8 hours. No lie. My advice is to select seats at the time of booking and if you can’t get a preferred seat, get to the gate early and talk to the gate agent when they open up the flight. There are a number of seats that are blocked for gate assignment, so changes can usually be accommodated. You are going to have a hard time trying to get someone to switch into a middle seat in the last row, so be proactive and there may be no need to annoy your fellow passengers with your sob story.

2) Don’t steal other people’s seats. When I boarded my flight to Stockholm on Friday, I had switched my exit row seat to the row 16 bulkhead (using the method in tip #1 since those seats are always assigned at the gate). When I boarded the plane, a man was in my seat, stretched out with an eye mask and blanket draped over himself with Bose headphones. Seriously? After a couple strong nudges he “awoke” and admitted he was in row 17 and that the extra legroom was “too good to be true”. If you want to switch seats, either use tip #1 or wait until boarding is completely over before snatching up an open seat.

3) Be mindful of your carry-on bags when walking down the aisle. When I’m seated in aisle seats, I generally get whacked with a purse or duffel bag at least once during boarding. I recommend carrying your bag with your hands and holding it in front of you, so you are aware of it’s path. When you sling a bag over your shoulder, you have no idea how many people you are smacking in your wake.

4) Reclining your seat is a right, but you should be reasonable with it. We all know coach seats are cramped, so I personally recommend following the following guidelines:
-Don’t recline during boarding. It’s hard enough getting in and out over people, reclined seats just make it harder.
- Don’t recline during meal service, if possible. Trying to eat a meal with someones scalp close to your face isn’t cool. I understand some people sleep through meal service and you’d want your seat reclined, but try to give a little bit of space when possible
- Don’t slam your seat back. Ease into your recline.

5) Don’t jostle the seat in front of you when exiting your row. I know that climbing over your seatmate can require a bit of acrobatics and core strength, but try not to yank back on the seat in front of you for obvious reasons.

6) If you have in-flight entertainment screens, don’t tap strongly on the screens because the person in front of you can feel it. I once had a JFK-LAX flight where the person behind me enthusiastically played Delta Trivia for 4 hours and even though I asked them to tap lightly, their excitement overcame them and they still poked at the screen.

7) Be nice to flight attendants. While I agree that some flight attendants can be rude, it’s not worth it to engage with them. I saw so many people being rude to flight attendants, you can see why so many become snappy. Just be nice – it goes a long way – this past year alone I’ve gotten a bottle of wine and other assorted goodies from the flight attendants for being a nice passenger.

8 ) Help others with their overhead luggage. If you are an able bodied person and see someone struggling to get their luggage into/from the bin, offer them a hand.

9) When you do put your luggage in the overhead bin, make sure the bin will be able to shut. I saw so many people put bags in wheels out and the flight attendants had to do major reshuffling to get the bins to close.

10) Keep your small personal items in your lap or under your seat until all bags are in overhead bins.

11) Don’t bring stinky food on-board. Smells are enhanced in the dry, cramped cabin, so eat your onion rings in the terminal. I once had to sit on the runway at LGA in sweltering heat on a Dash 8 propeller jet as the man next to me opened up a super cheesy Caesar salad. I nearly vomited from the smell.

12) The shared armrests belong to the person in the middle seat. It’s bad enough they have to sit in between people, so at least give them the armrests.

13) Don’t sleep on other people’s shoulders. This sounds silly, but I’ve had people sleep on my shoulder on more than one occasion. If you have a hard time resting your head on the seat, buy a head/shoulder pillow instead of canoodling with a stranger.

14) Allow the row in front of you to deplane before you rush the alley. I hate pushy people who can’t wait their turn.

15) When possible, get your overhead bag down before it’s time to leave your row. It drives me crazy when people clearly see that deplaning is approaching their row and only at that point do they start to collect their belongings. If you need more time to deplane, that’s fine – just get the heck out of the aisle.

15 Tips on Becoming a Better Coach Passenger

13 Things You Need to Know Before Ordering a Drink on an Airplane

2011-04-06T20:01:00.000-04:00

OK, I am going to break it down for you. Don’t be an asshole when you fly. Entering an aircraft is no excuse to lose all common sense, yet most of you do it. Ordering a drink is a fairly simple process, please don't make it so fucking difficult.

1. Be Prepared. Listen to the announcements we make of what will be available, and/or look at the inflight menu in the magazine located directly in front of your face. It’s 2 inches away, grab it.

2. DO NOT ask me “what do you have?” unless you want daggers shooting deep into your soul from my beautiful blue eyes.

3. Ask for exactly what you want.

4. If you would like something in your coffee, please ask for it WHEN YOU ARE PLACING YOUR ORDER.

5. If you would like cream and/or sugar that is great, however if you wait until after I serve you the coffee, and walk back a few rows as I am already on to the next few passengers I will fucking kill you.

6. DO NOT ask me for 2 ice cubes. If you do, I will pick them up with my fingers and plop them into your cup. Really, two?? WTF.

7. Don’t touch the cart, and do not even think about helping yourself to whatever you want off the top of it. Just ask. Would it be OK for me to come to your office and start grabbing shit off of your desk? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

8. If you need to get my attention, ask kindly. Maybe an old fashioned “excuse me”. I do not take well to someone pulling at my blouse, trousers, apron, tapping my shoulder, flailing their arms in front of me, snapping their fingers, etc. NOT. FUCKING. COOL. Keep your hands to yourself and be polite. I mean seriously, who raised you?

9. Don’t even try to pull a fast one on us, we’re not retards. If we come to your row and serve everyone else in it (while you’re too busy listening to your iPod, fake sleeping, and totally ignoring us) and you do not reply, that’s it. You’ve had your chance. I am not playing that back-and-forth from row to row bullshit during a 1-hour flight. Sorry about your luck.

10. We cannot take trash from you during our beverage service. Do you want someone’s half-eaten sandwich, napkins they wiped their nasty-ass mouth with and rotten banana peels touching your cups? I promise we’ll come back, that is if you can wait the FIVE MINUTES.

11. When I am making eye contact and asking your seatmate what THEY would like, let THEM answer. If it is a lady and you talk over them, you are a douche. I always ask the ladies first (that is what we are taught at my airline), and if I am asking them and you cut them off with your retarded yelling of the word “COKE” I will fill your cup up with as much ice as possible and add just a teeny-weenie (size of your dick) splash of COKE to it. Jerk-off.

12. If you tip me (and yes, I WILL take tips – we make shit for money), you will most definitely be treated like a king or queen.

13. It’s not rocket science.

Oh and I know this is probably asking for too much, but a please and thank you would be dandy.

BUH-BYE!

FreakJet is the Bomb!

2011-04-04T17:49:00.005-04:00

OK, so maybe bomb isn’t the best word to use for those of us in aviation, but whatevs.

First off, this is NOT a sponsored blog entry. I just love these guys and wanted to share them with my peeps (you'll get the reference later). If you are freak enough to read and (hopefully) enjoy my blog, you too will love this site.

So you know that People of Wal-Mart site? It’s basically that; but for airports, planes, etc. It’s fucking genius. If you’ve read any of my other entries such as What NOT to Wear, Welcome Aboard: Unfortunate Fashion Victims & Hey, 1992 Called..., you are already familiar with my love of taking pictures of complete idiot passengers with no sense of fashion, or any common sense for that matter (ie: retards).

Anyway, again – I get nothing for this, but the site is great and I am already addicted to their iPhone app (I have posted a few pics under my screen name "sassy stew", yes -- very original I know). It’s hysterical, a lot of fun, and a great way to pass the time at the airport as you're slowly dying of boredom and debating slitting your own throat during a long sit or delay.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, if their site happens to blow up (oh shit, another bomb reference) after this, I want to be paid... in Peeps. Hey FreakJet guys, this means YOU! For the record, I prefer the pink ones -- and 3 gross of them would suffice.

Show these guys some love!

Click here to join the freaky skies at FreakJet

Not sure how to link to it, but you can find their app through iTunes or the app store....

UPDATE: Link to FreakJet iPhone app: Click here for app

Any and all additional info will be held hostage until I receive my Peeps.

Totally Turbulent Times

2011-03-30T01:21:00.004-04:00

So just a heads up for you passengers traveling during severe turbulence, please do us all a favor and don’t be a fucking asshole.

On my last trip during the beverage service we were hit with some fairly severe turbulence due to bad storms. Of course because we were doing the beverage service at the time, we were obviously in the aisle of the cabin with our incredibly heavy metal cart, hot coffee, drinks, etc. So picture this; the aircraft starts dropping, heavily chopping, the works. At this critical point, our main concern is the safety of the passengers and ourselves (okay, maybe I was really only concerned with MY well being). We immediately grab the cart, wedge it in between the aisle seats, lock it, dump the pot of coffee onto the carpeted floor, lock the cart and basically hold on for dear life. The other FA is practically laying on top of the cart, as am I…that is until the turbulence started hitting much harder, at which point I was literally on the floor trying to not allow the cart to go flying around in the cabin, decapitating everyone in its path. I mean what the hell kind of paperwork would THAT be? Writing up a shitload of passengers without heads would probably be incredibly time consuming. Plus the fact that I would have to find an approved stowage location for said heads for landing. FUCK THAT! Either way, I was pretty damned determined to at least make it home with MY head intact, and on my shoulders. But anyway…

The passengers surrounding us were incredibly compliant (in their seats & belted in), and were very helpful in assisting us with trying to hold the cart down so it wouldn’t kill us all (all but ME, of course). So as I mentioned earlier, picture this: I am hanging on towards the bottom of the cart, the passengers are white-knuckled and freaking the fuck out, a few peeps are probably puking their guts out & crying and praying simultaneously, and the other FA has his entire upper body thrown on top of the beverage cart.

So what comes next? During this entire maguilla Miss Asshole Lady Passenger YELLS out to me: “I NEED A NAPKIN”. Thinking my reply would be: Oh, okay miss…sure, let me get that for you right away. Actually in my head it was: WHAT THE FUCK?! OK seriously, did she just ask me that? Is she on a different fucking plane right now? But yes, during all of this, the bitch had the fucking nerve to yell me a command to bring her some napkins. My response: (very loudly) “250 POUNDS”!!! That’s all I said, “250 POUNDS”!! (in reference to the probable weight of the large metal cart we were trying to wrestle to the ground directly in front of her fat and ugly-ass face). I yelled it out twice, for good measure.

Which reminds me of another recent experience along the same lines, however not turbulence-related. I once had a passenger yell to me “AM I GONNA GET A COKE”? while I was running up and down the aisle retrieving medical equipment such as oxygen bottles, an automated defibrillator, medical kits, etc. while I was treating someone having a full-blown heart attack mid-flight. Yeah, I saved his life and you didn’t get your Coke. Booo-fucking-hooo.

People really fucking kill me.

So yeah, if you’re pissed because you didn’t get your napkin or Coke because we are busy doing something that looks potentially important, kindly go fuck yourself. I mean seriously, just do it. Preferably in your ass.

Oh, and because you’re probably retarded as well, also go ahead and look up the word narcissistic in that big book called the dictionary. Asshole.

Thank you for flying with us today, and BUH-BYE!

Large Bag + Small Brain = PLEASE FUCKING KILL ME!

2011-03-11T02:15:00.000-05:00

So after a long and turbulent day serving the typical asshole travelers, a particularly retarded family consisting of a Grandmother, Mom, and 2 young daughters board the plane with their 428 bags. From the back of the plane I watch in horror as they attempt to stow their bags in the overhead compartment. A little gleam of sunshine and joy in my otherwise shitty day comes over me. It’s like a beautiful angel came down from the heavens just for me, and gave me a warm little peck on my rosy cheek.

Here’s how it goes down (and not the good kind of ‘going down’ either); there is one (smallish) spot available in the overhead compartment located directly above the Mom. Mom grabs their first rollerboard suitcase to place it in said small spot. Low and behold it doesn’t fit --SHOCKING!! She stands there in the middle of the aisle looking incredibly confused (this is probably her ‘normal’ look, so it’s hard for me to really tell) and is at a complete loss as to how to proceed. As her tiny brain sits there doing summersaults, she is also of course holding up the entire line of passengers behind her, just with her body & deep thoughts. I will give her a little break though, as it IS difficult to multitask…and it’s practically rocket science.

So I walk up from the back of the plane and advise her to just put the suitcase in the EMPTY bin directly next to the one she was trying to use. I walk back to the AFT of the aircraft to continue my duties, announcements, etc.

I look up and see Mom again, now holding bag #2. She lifts the bag and attempts to put it in the SAME FUCKING SPOT WHERE THE 1st ONE DIDN’T FIT. Again, I walk all the way back up to where she was standing in the aisle, point out an empty bin about 2 feet from her fat, retarded face, and advise her to use the spot.

AGAIN, I return to my boarding position in the back of the plane, and there she goes with bag #3. At this point I am fucking RAGING. I mean, REALLY LADY? There is no way in hell she is THAT stupid, right? All the while the business passengers in the back with me are watching this train wreck unfold, and all 3 of us were trying to contain our laughter. As soon as I saw her pick up bag #3 I said to them “If she EVEN tries to put that in the same spot I’m gonna snap”. Yeah, probably not incredibly professional, but I couldn’t take it another minute… & we all had a nice hearty laugh at her expense (I love New Yorkers!).

Thank you baby Jesus for that little gift tonight! xx

A View From The Other Side by Guest Blogger Aubrey LaRue

2010-12-30T17:29:00.002-05:00

A View From The Other Side

When I first saw that Stew wanted guest columnists’ I thought, “Cool! There is SO much that I could ramble on for 6 forever’s and a day about.” You know how it is as a fellow Stew, new funny stories to tell with pretty much each and every work day. The OhMyGawd did you just see that…? Did you hear that…? Can you believe she said that to you…? Or the irritating things like parents that just don’t seem to ever comprehend that leaving a sleeping baby on the floor is El Stupido- Hello? Turbulence?! That stuff that we all have and that is easy to talk about.

Then my usually sleeping brain clicked. I have something different, something that is actually pretty important. Especially since most of the time we feel like we are speaking to the cabin door with minimal acknowledgment let alone respect. So, here we go…

A few years ago I found myself traveling in an emergency situation with my three children- alone. To this day I have to control my agitation at a business class regular traveler that gets irritated about security, etc.

REALLY?

Have you ever gone through checkpoints with a 3, 4 and 7 year old? Have you ever had to unbundled a sleeping child, take itty bitty shoes off of feet and pry beloved stuffed animals from fingers for “Just one minute sweetie, it’s coming right back!”. Have you ever been THAT mother on the floor putting your toddler or small child back together because there is nowhere to sit, as all the professional suits could not be bothered to move for JUST ONE MINUTE?

Rant over. Anyway, there I was with just the four of us going from the East coast to Texas. We had to change flights twice (Yay! More security!), once In Cincinnati and again in Houston. I was exhausted as we started out at 5am. The family situation had taken a toll and I knew this could be a disaster trip. Not only was I alone with them but NONE of them had ever flown so I figured it was a good bet someone was going to flake on me big time. I considered our flight to Cincinnati the BIG TEST. Oldest girl looked like she was going to shit her pants the entire time (Ding! Ding! Ding! That’s the flake!). Middle one was intrigued and probably had figured out by the end of the flight exactly how to disassemble the plane using MY toothbrush and her sisters VERY favorite cupcake hairbrush. The little one is like her momma. She loved every second in the air and to this day will randomly ask if we can “go for a plane ride today”, as if it’s as easy as throwing her into the car.

Cincy to Houston was very dicey. It was a packed, long flight, the girls were exhausted from flying and in my head I wanted to find a bridge because even when we finally landed we still weren’t THERE yet.

There was a FA named Patti who was jump seating nearby. I felt like she was assigned to ME for the entire flight. No, I didn’t have those loud, obnoxious kids nor did I have a crybaby. Still it was hard. Every single time I needed help with something- you know OMG my 4 year old has to pee and I don’t want to leave her younger sister kinda thing, Patti was RIGHT there. Sometimes she anticipated what I needed before I even realized it. Pretzels. Juice. “Let me hold the little one while you get her sweater on her.” This woman was an angel in my eyes. I have never seen her since and I hope I bump into her again because I want her to know that however many years later, those little things have stayed with me and still matter. She made that flight as easy as possible and she did it by simply being aware. I deplaned very grateful. I also realized that this woman was just really doing her job and being attentive, just as I try to do. I guess I kind of took it for granted that it’s what we all do.

WRONG. Oh so wrong. My wakeup call came about an hour later as we boarded the breakfast airline for a 50 minute flight to DFW.

It seemed like a piece of cake after 7 hours of flying behind us. It was 102 degrees in Houston and after everyone had boarded it was announced that there was an engine problem that needed to be fixed. 110ish people in a sealed tube in 100 degree weather for an hour and 20 minutes. We had a tiny bit of water. I had three ridiculously overheated kids and the FA’s were NOWHERE. We NEVER saw them until the planes’ engine started! I was never a fan of the breakfast carrier but I’m pretty damn sure that their FA’s are supposed to check on the health and well-being of their passengers, no?

Somehow we survived the serious dehydration from that flight. My babies were ok and we made it to DFW in under 50 minutes once we were finally in the air. But those FA’s, they could have made a difference.

I guess that’s my real point. It feels like the same grind with every shift and to us it often is almost exactly the same. But to the passengers on board the simplest thing for us to do might be absolutely monumental to them. I can say that with certainty now. To SOME travelers FA’s are nothing, but to others we are MEMORABLE for the most basic of things.

Remember that.

Guest Blogging For the New Year!

2010-12-27T18:36:00.002-05:00

I’m very excited to announce that I will now be hosting one guest blog per month (possibly more, depending on how much you bitches need to rant).

If you are a flight attendant, pilot, or passenger and have travel-related stories and/or rants that you’re dying to get off of that sexy chest of yours; I want to hear from YOU!

This will be done either completely anonymously, under a pseudonym (pick something fun!), or using your real name – if you dare. Of course no company/airline names or specifics will be given, so no worries.

Please email your submissions to: rantsofasassystew@gmail.com
or contact me via Facebook @ the 'Rants of a Sassy Stew' page.

Flight attendant discusses peculiar passengers with Adam Carolla (NSFW)

2010-12-27T11:18:00.005-05:00

Happy Holidays from Sassy Stew!!

2010-12-24T17:07:00.000-05:00

SNL Flight Announcement - Video (Megan Fox)

2010-12-16T16:05:00.005-05:00

Prepare for a Hard Landing

Saturday Night Live - Flight Announcement - Video - NBC.com (click here for video)

Crack is Whack – Especially on an Airplane

2010-12-01T20:49:00.002-05:00

The story I am about to share with you is 100% true. Yes, this actually happened – although you probably won’t believe me.

So a few days ago I only had 2 legs to get home and finish my hellish 4-day long Thanksgiving trip. Those in “the biz” are well aware of how the shit always seems to go down on what we call “go home day”. It’s Murphy’s Law, and Murphy was obviously a huge asshole.

Anyway, the aircraft is completely boarded (and of course full - fuck you holiday travelers!) and we are soooo ready to get the fuck out of there…but in slowly strolls the typical late douchebag. I will try my hardest to describe this guy. He was probably in his mid-fifties (but looked 70+), and was a hot disheveled mess. He had longish, shaggy & greasy hair, was wearing a flannel shirt, dirty jeans, and a beautiful black leather FANNY PACK. The best way I can describe him is that you would totally see him on a Law and Order: SVU episode living under a bridge and being interviewed by detectives Benson & Stabler.

Upon close examination I deduce that he is not intoxicated, but probably just bat-shit crazy…and very unkempt. Not a crime. During the last few minutes of preparing to close the door, etc., his open and overflowing bag starts to lose all of its contents while he is attempting to stow it; an apple, change, random papers, receipts, you get the idea. Shit is just dropping out left and right, and naturally I’m trying my damndest not to bust out laughing. My inner voice is screaming BE PROFESSIONAL! Yeah, that can be incredibly difficult most days, but whatevs.

We finally get the hell out of there and begin our beverage service. Naturally the guy asks for an alcoholic beverage (SHOCKING!), and I tell him “no”. He asks “Oh, so you don’t have ANY alcohol on the plane”? My answer: “That is correct”. No big deal, he doesn’t throw a fit – but the passengers on the other side of the aisle about had a cow. “YOU DON’T HAVE ANY ALCOHOL”? I give them a little wink and quietly mouth the words, “yeah, we do”. They were picking up what I was putting down, and I sneak them a few drinks so that whatshisface couldn’t see. All is well.

After completing our various in-flight duties, we start our descent. I am in the back galley and start heading up to the front, when all of a sudden the shit hits the fan. I look up and I see that the dreaded red light and the smoke alarm is activated and ringing loudly throughout the cabin. It looks and sounds horrific as it is nighttime, & pitch black... so naturally everything is amplified by 100x. I about shit myself right there (as do the passengers), but I hustle my ass up front (my inner voice is now yelling: HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS! Fire+Plane=FUUUUUCK!), I notice that the bat-shit crazy guy is stumbling out of the lavatory, I grab the halon fire extinguisher, pull the pin and start ripping apart the lav. I ransack the shit out of it. Of course all the while I am yelling at the guy saying WHAT DID YOU DO? WHERE DID YOU PUT THE CIGARETTE? Well, after seeing the smoke and smelling the nastiness permeating throughout the front of the plane I soon realized that it wasn’t a cigarette. My ex-cop self kicks in and I start yelling, “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO”?? His reply (wait for it...): “I caught my hair on fire”. Me: “WHAT. THE. FUCK.” Of course I start all the ex-cop questioning and he explains, “I was in the bathroom trying to find something in my bag (bag=beautiful black leather fanny pack) so I used my lighter to see”. Me: “In a LIT bathroom? I don’t think so”. I grab the flashlight, shine it on his head – and he was right. He burned most of the hair on the top of his head off. Me again - WHAT. THE. FUCK. You know that distinct burnt hair smell? Yeah, it’s fucking disgusting and is wafting throughout the front of the cabin. The top of his head is basically smoking.

After a few large men in uniform carrying guns (a.k.a. the po-po), take him off the plane (all the while he is asking if he is going to make his connection – BWAHAHAA!!) it is discovered that he had a crack pipe on his person.

So yeah, the bottom-line; he was smoking crack in the lavatory on the plane IN-FLIGHT and caught his hair on fire.

Thank you for flying, have a nice day…and BUH-BYE!

P.S. I soooo deserve a fucking raise. Kthx.

P.P.S. My captain was stuck in security at the same airport prior to this flight for 35 minutes whilst they ransacked HIS bag. Yes, the captain flying the fucking plane. But yeah, the crack pipe held by the obviously bat-shit crazy & disheveled guy got through no prob. Oh the irony.

Thank you TSA!! Great job!

How Not to be an Asshole When Traveling with Children

2010-11-23T14:31:00.005-05:00

After listening to one of my favorite podcasts The Parent Experiment today, I was inspired to write a little something about air travel with children.

I’d like to start off with a lovely story involving my BFF, who also happens to be a sassy stew (she’s just way hotter). Anyway, a few days ago she had a bit of a situation (not the cheesy NJ kind) on the plane involving a couple of douche bags and a young mother flying alone with her infant. Apparently the baby was crying during the decent (which is normal & very common due to the change in cabin pressure), and the male half of the hillbilly douche bag couple sitting directly behind the young mom said to her “you better fucking put something in that kids mouth and shut him the fuck up”. Needless to say, hearing this story from my BFF was beyond shocking, and incredibly appalling. WHO IN THE HELL SPEAKS TO PEOPLE LIKE THAT??! Retards, that’s who. But I digress…

After the berating comments the poor mother was understandably brought to tears. I can’t even imagine. I’m reeeeeeally hoping for a good old-fashioned karmic boomerang hitting those hillbilly douche bags in their respective box and balls. Although now that I think about it, I seriously doubt a “man” that speaks like that to a young woman has much going on in the balls department. I bet he totally has a vagina. A very wide-set one.

So do me a favor, please be nice to the parents with babies that may cry a little during a flight. It’s not their fucking fault!!

OK, well sometimes it COULD be their fault. If that is the case, I really don’t blame you for rolling your eyes and turning up your iPod up to a gazzilion decibels. Whatever you do though, just don’t come over to me and ask me to fix it -- because I’m not going to. I have my own children, and they are very well-behaved (probably because they weren’t raised by wolves in a barn?).

As far as when it IS the parent’s fault – they're basically clueless idiots that shouldn't procreate in the first place. You wouldn’t believe the things that parents do with their children on flights. From personal experience I have a few recommendations:

Don’t get shitfaced on the flight with your kids. It makes you look like an asshole, and I will probably call CPS on your unfit ass.
Don’t expect the flight attendants to keep your children occupied. Again, NOT MY FUCKING JOB. There are a few hundred other people on the plane. Also this may come as a shock to some, but we do NOT have a toy box. It's not a god-damned dentist's office.
Don’t let your little brats run up and down the aisle unless you are OK with them being permanently scarred by scalding hot coffee. There is also the possibility that I will step on their head with my sharp 2” heel, and I KNOW that hurts. Just ask my boyfriend.
DO bring food, bottles, diapers, etc. No, we don't have milk, formula, wipes, diapers, Xanax, whatevs. I'm not dipping into my own stash for your unprepared ass.
On the subject of diapers, for the love of God and all things holy -- ONLY CHANGE DIAPERS IN THE LAVATORY!! – NOT ON THE SEAT, NOT ON YOUR LAP, and definitely NOT ON THE TRAY TABLE! You do realize that you are in an enclosed cabin with recirculated air, right? The rest of us would prefer NOT to breathe in your child’s recirculated shit smell. Also please keep in mind that many passengers are EATING in said enclosed cabin – and ON the tray table that you just changed your shitty baby on. Seriously, are you a fucking animal with ZERO common sense...or consideration of others? Oh, and if you have the balls to try and hand me a dirty diaper there is no way in hell that I will be able to control my excessive laughter.

Thank you, and BUH-BYE!!

Love,

Sassy

Also, I highly recommend that you listen to Lynette & Susanna on The Parent Experiment Podcast (as listed to the right under "Show These Bastards Some Love"). I absolutely LOVE these bitches!!

I have also recently discovered a great (and legitimate) site regarding traveling with children & family. Check out her Facebook page here at The Travel Mom.

My First Cavity Search

2010-11-20T19:37:00.001-05:00

(thank you Dave Anthony)

2010-11-20T19:17:00.000-05:00

Will 'Flying Pasties' Help Hide Your Private Bits From Airport Scanners?

2010-11-20T02:48:00.004-05:00

By Chris Morran The Consumerist (http://consumerist.com/)

From the TSA employee mocked by his co-workers for his teeny weeny to the Heathrow employee harassed for her ample bosom, full-body airport scanners are responsible for their fair share of controversy. Now the travel-writin' folks at Jaunted have stumbled across a new invention that claims to end such troubles by slapping stickers on your most private bits.

According to their own sales pitch, Flying Pasties "are meant to obscure your private parts when entering a typical airport scanner."

But, as Jaunted points out, not only do these stickers appear to not have any sort of technology that would prevent the scanners from seeing your bits, the full-body scanners only show the general outline of your body anyway. That means that you've slapped these expensive stickers on your body for no purpose whatsoever.

So, if you're into adhering things to your private parts and possibly having to explain to the TSA why you've adhered said things to your private parts, be our guests. But the rest of us will remain sticker-free for now.

http://consumerist.com/2010/07/will-flying-pasties-help-hide-your-private-bits-from-airport-scanners.html

Your Friendly Flight Tip of the Day (With BONUS Included!)

2010-11-17T14:38:00.000-05:00

If you roll up to the plane 5 minutes prior to departure, don't EVEN try and get pissy with me because all of the overhead bins are already taken... & you have to check your bag. OMG THE HORROR!!

(btw -- a trash bag full of clothing and/or shoes is NOT luggage, for fuck's sake)

I have one word for you kind sir. Punctuality. It's a good thing.

Oh, and GFY.

And a BONUS TIP for you because I'm in a giving mood this morning...

When we ask you to turn off your cell phone so we can leave, just fucking do it. Yes, we are incredibly sorry that you will have to sit with your own thoughts for an entire 10 minutes, however the lack of constant external stimuli might do you a little good. You're welcome.

(now where the fuck is my iPhone)

Thank you, and BUH-BYE!
xx

Bathroom Etiquette with Adam Carolla

2010-11-15T12:20:00.000-05:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

How in the Fuck Does this Shit Happen?! (with Adam Carolla & Stephen Tobolowsky)

2010-11-12T22:21:00.004-05:00

“Shit” being the keyword

By now you are familiar with the fact that I am obsessed with the lavatory and how people use & abuse it.

As I told the lovely (and my ranting hero) Adam Carolla on his podcast recently, I just stand in the back galley and rage about this “shit” all day long. Obviously. So yeah, I guess you could say that I am somewhat obsessed. More than anything I really want to figure out the logic behind such behaviors, and what in the fuck prompts some people to act so ridiculously. I really don’t get it. It amazes me on a daily basis. I often wonder how in the hell these people function out in the real world. I mean seriously. How do they live beyond 20 years of age? The thing is, the majority of the idiots that I encounter are middle-aged, grown ADULTS. In fact, most are also usually professionals; business folks, frequent fliers & the like. You’re smart – (I mean duh, you are here reading my blog), so I knooooow that you are picking up what I’m putting down.

So today, the crew and I arrived at our gate to meet our plane & prepare for a flight. The plane coming in was late, so we (the crew), and all of the passengers sat in the gate area waiting for our ride to roll up. Anyway, this was in an International terminal – the kind with all the bells and whistles. Great music playing in the background, nicer restaurants, plenty of room to roam, computer stations, duty free shops, and…you guessed it…BATHROOMS.

After 45 minutes or so of waiting we get on the plane and prepare for our passengers. Now mind you, the gate agent is of course making announcements keeping the passengers advised of the delay, the estimated time of boarding, etc.

I'm guessing that you already know what comes next.

I’m in the back of the plane in my boarding position, and here they come -- 3 men.

A line forms in the back, trapping me in the galley, and yes -- they are ALL waiting to use the fucking bathroom. Oh and by the way, none of the 3 assholes were even sitting in the back of the plane.

AIN’T THAT SOME SHIT?!

***So hey! If you are interested in listening to Adam and I rant away about this SHIT -- please check out the podcast here: Adam Carolla Podcast with Stephen Tobolowsky (and SK!!)

If you click on "Listen Now" and scroll down to find the show "Stephen Tobolowsky " (LOVE HIM!) -- You can hear me at about 44:00 minutes. It's fucking hilarious. "You sound like a delight" HAHAHAA!!

(BTW, Lynette is his wife -- and a saint, love her.) Adam's airline & travel rants are the BEST! Guaranteed laughs xx

From a description of the show: "Adam also has an extended conversation with an airline stewardess who complains about people who use the plane toilets and never flush. Adam rants about airline announcements and talks about the proper way to use airplane restrooms".

Adam and Stephen

Also, if you want more lav-talk feel free to read my previous entry here: Public Service Announcement: Toilets on Airplanes Do Flush

10 flight attendant annoyances from an American Airlines Flight Attendant

2010-11-10T20:34:00.000-05:00

1. Know how to turn off your call light (especially when you press it accidentally). Few things are more annoying -- and time consuming -- than a person ringing their call button over and over again just to tell us they pressed it accidentally and didn’t know how to turn it off.

2. Know what you want to drink ahead of time. If we ask you what you would like to drink, don’t ask us, “What do you have?”

3. Bring a suitcase that you can carry. Don’t expect the flight attendants to lift your bags when you can’t lift it yourself. The public should be aware that it is not the flight attendant’s job to lift your bag. In fact, workman’s compensation will not cover any flight attendant injury if it involves lifting passengers’ bags. It is not part of the flight attendant’s job description or responsibility to lift anyone else’s bags.

4. If you see a flight attendant in line to use the restroom, do not cut in front of us. We have bladders, too.

5. Do not ask a flight attendant about his or her schedule.

6. Do not ask a flight attendant if they have to share rooms on a layover.

7. If you see a flight attendant in uniform sitting in a passenger seat during the whole flight, this means that he/she is not working and is also a passenger. Please do not hand them your trash or ask them for drinks.

8. If a flight attendant is sitting next to you (in uniform). They are not working. Please do not keep asking questions (especially if the flight attendant is trying to get some sleep). Chances are they have jet lag, so sleep is necessary but is very hard to do when the person next to them insists on having a conversation.

9. Flight attendants bend over backwards as long as you are nice. If you are rude, you probably won’t get much sympathy from a flight attendant.

10. People think that airplanes have everything are appalled if we don’t have the following: baby diapers (moms: bring your own baby necessities); water (don’t ask to buy the bottles of water. We use the bottles for the whole flight and they are not for sale); food (we are not a restaurant), so eat before you board the aircraft, or bring your food on the plane.

Re-posted from Stefan Pinto's blog. Stefan Pinto is an actor and writer. He lives in Los Angeles. Visit him at http://www.pintofactory.com

No More “R-Word”??

2010-11-09T22:13:00.000-05:00

OK, so a few of you have expressed your disdain regarding my use of the “R-Word”. I completely understand that its use is not very “PC”, so with that I will TRY to cease my use of it in the future. But those of you who actually know me, know how ridiculously PC & liberal-minded I am out in the real world. I just start ranting and I can’t control myself. So I apologize. I definitely don’t want to offend anyone. Well, that may not be necessarily true, lol. I really don’t care too much about what other peeps think of me, however in this particular case I get it.

In real life my sister have replaced the “R-word” with “Retired”, but as that is an inside joke (and goofy), I dare not try to use it here. No one gets our MORONIC sense of humor. I guess that’s it then, moron will officially replace the R-Word.

You’re welcome.

BUH-BYE

P.S. I am NOT giving up all of my other favorite profanities, so get over it, or just GFY.

From a flight attendant's standpoint -- Hilariously Awesome!!

2010-11-09T20:54:00.000-05:00

Ridiculously Rambling Rants -- Say that 3 times quickly. And....GO!

2010-11-07T19:33:00.006-05:00

So today I made a great little discovery. I was cleaning out my bag for work and found quite a few pages of "RRR"s (ridiculous rambling rants) that I had scribbled out furiously during a trip. Yay for those few moments in between my required duties and passengers acting like complete morons (did you notice that? I said morons, not retards - you’re welcome). I like to call such brief moments "mental health breaks so you don't kill anyone or blow an inflatable slide".

Anyway, I digress...

I would like to mention, journaling that shit totally helps & I highly recommend it! It is incredibly therapeutic, and more importantly it prevents me from punching someone in the throat; which would probably lead to my termination, then a severe panic attack, then despair, then depression, rocking back and forth in a corner banging my head against a wall, and eventually homelessness.

Here are a few RRRs I’d like to share from my pages as pictured above.

“When you walk onto the plane complaining, I will more than likely go out of my way to hate you…waaaay more than I probably would have already done so, regardless”.

“Everything is not always a bloody nightmare. Coke instead of Pepsi, or vice-versa probably won’t kill you”.

(unfortunately)

And speaking of drinks…

“Anyone else feel that 1 hour is sufficient time to peruse the inflight magazine and choose your beverage before I ask you what you would like”?

“Would you be OK with me coming to your place of work and acting the fool and telling you how to do your job? Rhetorical question, as I already know the answer. Yes, of course you would. I’m thinking that the next time I am in a hospital I am going to enter a random operating suite and advise the surgeon how to perform an Aortic Homograft followed by the implantation of a Biventricular Implantable Cardioverter Defibrillator properly. Step-by-step, of course.”

Thank you for flying with us today, and BUH-BYE!

P.S. I have since purchased a proper ‘journal’. So no more writing on the back of important work documents – unless of course, in the case of an emergency when I cannot get to said journal quickly enough. At that point it’s every man for himself (please see termination, panic, despair, depression, head-banging & homelessness).

One of my favorite guys Adam Carolla as a Drunk Pilot. HYSTERICAL!

2010-11-06T18:09:00.000-04:00

LOVE IT!!

2010-11-06T18:02:00.001-04:00

Yes, You Will Make Your Connection (…and other untruthful answers to your dumb questions)

2010-11-05T18:50:00.001-04:00

First off, when you ask a flight attendant if you will be making your connection while we are MIDAIR and about to land, we really can’t give you an honest answer. Of course we can guess, and do the math (just as you can, using the boarding pass in your hand), but that’s about it. No, we will NOT call the captain to ask him/her to fly faster. However, I WILL laugh to myself as I go pick up the phone, call the captain, make a comment about how retarded you are, then hang up and tell you that it’s ‘all been taken care of’.

Also no, we cannot force everyone else to remain seated while you grab your 7 carry-on bags and rush off of the airplane. By the way, when we are flying into a major hub – everyone else is connecting too. For the love of God, don’t make your connections 20 minutes apart. IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!! Also, don’t get all pissy with ME because you were dumb enough to buy a ticket only allowing yourself a few minutes in JFK or LaGuardia. HAAA!! Ever heard of weather, maintenance issues, security, distance between gates, slowed boarding processes due to everyone trying to bring on a million carry-on bags, etc.? Dumb ass.

“Will you turn the heat up, I am freezing”. Me: “I’m sorry, it is set at a standard temperature and we do not have control of the air conditioning (complete lie)’. Of course to myself I’m thinking – where the fuck were you raised?! My Mother always taught us to bring a sweater when we went to the movies, flew on a plane, etc. I'm sorry that your childhood sucked.

“Where will I pick up my bags”? Me: “Just a guess, but probably in BAGGAGE CLAIM. There are these large signs located throughout the airport with big bold letter that spell out the words ‘BAGGAGE CLAIM’. Follow them”

“Are you absolutely sure that my bags will make it to my final destination”? Me: “BWAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA”!!

It’s not all about you, sorry. I mean of course I realize that it’s YOUR world and we’re all just living in it, but yeah…

Go. Fuck. Yourself.

Have a nice day and thank you for flying with us…

BUH-BYE!

Pam Ann - Cabin Service

2010-11-05T18:44:00.001-04:00

Paranoid or Prepared?

2010-10-26T21:55:00.001-04:00

A colleague was kind enough to send me a photo of a passenger from one of their recent flights. This is a legitimate pic that the FA took. Unfortunately this guy was 100% serious. He brought his very own (WTF?) inflatable life vest and wore it for the entire flight.

I'm guessing that the passenger was expecting this:

Was hoping for this:

But instead, got this:

I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE LIZARDS ON MY MOTHER FUCKING PLANE!!

2010-10-22T23:41:00.003-04:00

THIS is the type of passenger I get on my plane. Unfortunately this is completely true. The "lizard man" pictured below sat directly in front of me (facing me, of course), and it was fucking FRIGHTENING!

Trust me, I truly wish I was making this shit up. I'm still having nightmares. Why baby Jesus, WHY??!

Oh, and by the way...there were 2 unaccompanied minors (12-13 year old boys) sitting across from him. All 3 of us were looking at lizard man, then looking at each other giving the silent "WTF" face to each other. It was hysterical. I just shrugged my shoulders at the boys like "I dunno"?! The boys and I just giggled.

8.8M Miles! Meet the Real 'Up in the Air' Flier

2010-10-22T18:20:00.001-04:00

Secret frequent flier clubs aren't just for George Clooney and his new movie.

Airport lines are a thing of the past for Tom Stuker. So are middle seats, waiting on hold when calling customer service and missed connections.

Instead, his air travels bring him complimentary cocktails, first name greetings and a hidden check-in process.
Stuker has flown nearly 700,000 miles this year alone, criss-crossing the globe for work as an automobile sales consultant. Over the years, he has racked up nearly 8.8 million miles on United Airlines, making him the top member of the airline's Mileage Plus frequent flier program.

Stuker's travel has earned him a spot in a secret group of super-elite frequent fliers that is essentially so valuable to the airlines they will do anything for them.

These once-secret clubs -- which airlines are still very reluctant to speak about -- are getting new attention, thanks to George Clooney. In his new movie 'Up in the Air,' Clooney's high-flying character, Ryan Bingham, details the life of a 10-million-miler, from the free round-the-world airline tickets right down to the personal greeting from ticket agents who have likely never met him.

Mega-mileage members like Stuker are a level far beyond the typical frequent flier.
"There's no such thing as weather delays for these types of people," said Randy Petersen, founder of FlyerTalk.com and editor of InsideFlyer magazine. "It's the service that all of us as travelers wish we had."
United spokeswoman Robin Urbanski Janikowski describes the airline's high-mileage program, Global Services, as the airline industry's answer to Yale University's secretive Skull and Bones club, which counts presidents, senators and CEOs as among its past members.
"You don't know what you get until you are in it, and then you don't want to leave," Urbanski Janikowski said. "It's a world that not many folks know even exists."
Fliers like Stuker arrive at special check-in areas where agents greet them by name and whisk away their bags. Their boarding passes are already printed, and at some airports an agent simply opens a hidden door, leading them to the very front of the security checkpoint line.

Most people have seen these passengers boarding planes before everybody else. They also get first choice of meals before the airline runs out of either beef or chicken, and there is even a special team dedicated to finding and delivering their lost luggage.

But the real perks come when a flight is delayed or a connection is too tight for mere coach travelers to make.
Before the traveler has landed, the airline's staff will automatically rebook him or her on the next flight -- possibly even bumping somebody else -- and have a special agent meet the traveler at their gate with the new boarding pass. A modified golf cart is waiting to speed the traveler through the terminal to the next flight.
"They really, really, really take care of you," Stuker said. "They'll have you rebooked, they'll meet you at the gate so you aren't panicking and they will arrange for any and all means to get you to that flight. They'll personally escort you through security."

In some extreme cases, the airlines will even hold a connecting flight and have a car waiting for the passenger that will race across the tarmac to the next plane -- bypassing the busy terminals. There have even been reports of a helicopter once being sent to help a traveler stuck in traffic.
Consider it high-roller service without the Las Vegas casino.
"It is total, total VIP," Stuker said.

The' Up in the Air' Movie Treatment

Stuker flies so much that this summer he had 23 consecutive meals on planes.
"Toward the last day or two, I asked to switch my first class meal to a coach meal to try something different," he said.

Once, when flying out of Chicago's O'Hare International Airport, he was escorted by Global Services through the terminal with then-U.S. Sen. Barack Obama, just before Obama announced his intentions to seek the presidency. "It's nice to know that United literally treats me like the president of the United States when I fly," said Stuker, 55.

When you live up in the air, these perks make a big difference. When Stuker calls the airline's reservation line, the staff greets him by name even when he calls from odd phones from around the world -- he says many of the telephone agents recognize his voice.

He's also flown enough on American Airlines to earn lifetime gold, million-miler status, but when given the choice, he picks United.

At the United Los Angeles first class lounge, "I am treated like a king," Stuker said. He walks in the door and his favorite drink -- a Bacardi and Diet Coke -- is waiting. When he leaves, the staff hands him a personally packed doggie bag of his favorite snack for the next flight: chips and guacamole.

During his frequent trips to Australia, Stuker pays for a first-class seat. "If I was in coach, I would shoot myself," he said. "When you're sitting in a very comfortable seat, in this case a bed with two fluffy pillows, Champagne and an array of movies to choose from, I'm not looking for a whole lot of sympathy."

The Best Frequent Flier Perks

Airlines typically reward fliers for the number of miles or flight segments they fly. The more often you fly, the better the perks: upgrades, dedicated check-in lines and quiet lounges to escape the chaos of the terminal.
But there is a payoff for those perks: Business travelers who buy tickets hours before the flight might pay $1,400 for that same seat that costs another passenger hundreds of dollars less. Executives who buy last-minute, fully-refundable first-class tickets might pay $4,000 or more.

It costs the airline the same amount of money to get each person from point A to point B, but clearly some passengers are more profitable than others. (That's why airlines offer leisure travelers a $200 or $300 voucher to voluntarily be bumped to a later flight -- they often want to fill the seat with a high-yield customer paying three times that.)

The major airlines refused to give out details of these secret rewards programs, fearing that the competition will try to use such information to steal customers. But FlyerTalk.com's Petersen, who was once a Global Services member himself, said members of these clubs often spend $50,000 to $100,000 a year with the airline.

The airlines can also offer membership to influential people such as the heads of large corporate travel departments, celebrities or politicians. Petersen said it's like Studio 54, "They pick you, you don't pick them."

'Up in the Air" director Jason Reitman, for example, was given his own membership card by American.
"Somebody could fly once a year or 100 times a year," said Billy Sanez, director of advertising and promotion for American Airlines, who worked with the 'Up in the Air' crew. "There's no preset determination for it. It's invitation only. It is our very best customers."Membership doesn't necessarily guarantee membership for life. Each year, American sends out letters either renewing memberships or not.

"I wouldn't call it a secret society, but it's an exclusive group," Sanez said.

Reaching 10 Million Frequent Flier Miles

In the movie, Clooney's character shows his American Airlines Concierge Key card to a woman he is hitting on at a bar. Her response: I had heard rumors, but I didn't know these really existed.
"This is pretty sexy," she says, picking up the card.
While the Concierge Key program does exist, the movie takes a bit of artistic license with other parts of the services. Clooney's character is seeking to get 10 million frequent flier miles.
"I'd be the seventh person to do it. More people have walked on the moon," he said.
The major airlines refused to divulge how many people have reached that target, but airline officials who were willing to talk -- including from American -- said the number is more than 12, the number who have walked on the moon.
"That line is not accurate," Sanez said.
And while there is some recognition when a passenger hits the 10 million mark, American does not put the traveler's name on the side of a plane or have the person meet the "chief pilot," as the movie claims.
Phillip Dunkelberger is one of those passengers. He currently has more than 11 million miles with American and is a member of Concierge Key. (There are several American AAdvantage members who have more miles.)
He is president and CEO of PGP Corp., a global data security firm. Each year, he is on the road for at least 30 weeks.

Dunkelberger hit 10 million miles about two years ago when flying out of New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport. At the gate there was an announcement about his milestone and then Dunkelberger was escorted in a mini-ceremony down the ramp to the plane.

Dunkelberger said Concierge Key provides him with unparalleled service and makes him feel looked after.
"I like the fact that you can't qualify for it," he said. "In today's world where airline travel has become a get-on-the-bus kind of thing, that's a real important thing for somebody who's in the air as much as I am and has a lot of choices in business travel being the CEO of a company." Dunkelberger chooses flights by time and price but, when all things are equal, chooses American because of the service.

He recalls a time he was flying from San Francisco to London and before takeoff somebody got sick. The plane had to be taken out of service and Dunkelberger was going to miss his connection. American rebooked him on a British Airways flight and rushed him to the other terminal to make that flight.

"They literally bent over backward," he said, "went down, pulled my bag off that plane and hand-carried it across the airport to the other airline."

I’m Not A Complete Douche

2010-10-22T16:04:00.001-04:00

Not that I really give a shit what you think…

But yeah, I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression of me. In real life I’m just like a sweet, fluffy kitten sliding down a rainbow made of unicorns and butterflies.

OK, that may be a little overboard…but you get the idea. Before I go off on another rant I wanted to let you all know that the majority of the passengers I interact with on a daily basis are great. In fact, I am going to go ahead and upgrade that “great” to an “awesome”. Well maybe not most of them, but a decent amount of them are indeed awesome! I meet some of the nicest and coolest mo-fo’s because of this job.

I will go completely out of my way to help a nice passenger. Seriously. If you’re nice, pleasant, make me laugh, etc. – you are most definitely going to get great customer service, as well as tons of free drinks & snacks. I absolutely love doing that shit! So there you go, that's a nice little tip for you. I also love children (the ones not screaming their heads off), elderly passengers, and first time fliers. I love watching the face of a person who has never been on a plane, as we are hurling 500mph through the clouds. Interacting with children is usually a joy (again, only if they are not screaming or throwing shit), and elderly people (not in diapers) are just too cute for words. Please see: “like a fluffy kitten sliding down a rainbow made of unicorns and butterflies”. If I were that old I would be pissed right the fuck off, but typically they are very sweet and understanding. Occasionally you run into a retarded Bill O’Reilly or Barbara Walters, but so be it. I suppose you have to take the good with the completely retarded.

By the way, I’m toooootally going to be Sophia Loren when I get old.

Also, God forbid the shit hits the fan on the plane (which happens often enough) – the passengers are almost always there to help you out. I can’t even count the number of times a (preferably cute) passenger has grabbed me in the aisle during severe turbulence to prevent me from breaking my neck or having my entire body slammed up against the ceiling of the plane. Hell, sometimes I’m even lucky enough to get a hand up my skirt or a little grab of the boob. BONUS!

I have had many a nice passenger witness me being treated like crap by some asshole. They either say something to said asshole (on my behalf), or hand me their business card as they deplane & offer to back me up.

OK, enough of that. Back to being a douche…

50 Secrets Your Pilot Won't Tell You

2010-10-21T20:34:00.000-04:00

Think you know what happens when you fly? Think again.

We asked 17 pilots from across the country to give us straight answers about maddening safety rules, inexplicable delays, the air and attitudes up there—and what really happens behind the cockpit door. What they told us will change the way you fly.

“We miss the peanuts too.” -US Airways pilot, South Carolina

What You Don't Want to Know

“I’m constantly under pressure to carry less fuel than I’m comfortable with. Airlines are always looking at the bottom line, and you burn fuel carrying fuel. Sometimes if you carry just enough fuel and you hit thunderstorms or delays, then suddenly you’re running out of gas and you have to go to an alternate airport.” -Captain at a major airline

“Sometimes the airline won’t give us lunch breaks or even time to eat. We have to delay flights just so we can get food.” -First officer on a regional carrier

“We tell passengers what they need to know. We don’t tell them things that are going to scare the pants off them. So you’ll never hear me say, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we just had an engine failure,’ even if that’s true.” -Jim Tilmon, retired American Airlines pilot, Phoenix

“The Department of Transportation has put such an emphasis on on-time performance that we pretty much aren’t allowed to delay a flight anymore, even if there are 20 people on a connecting flight that’s coming in just a little late.” -Commercial pilot, Charlotte, North Carolina

“The truth is, we’re exhausted. Our work rules allow us to be on duty 16 hours without a break. That’s many more hours than a truck driver. And unlike a truck driver, who can pull over at the next rest stop, we can’t pull over at the next cloud.” -Captain at a major airline

What We Want You to Know

“Some FAA rules don’t make sense to us either. Like the fact that when we’re at 39,000 feet going 400 miles an hour, in a plane that could hit turbulence at any minute, [flight attendants] can walk around and serve hot coffee and Chateaubriand. But when we’re on the ground on a flat piece of asphalt going five to ten miles an hour, they’ve got to be buckled in like they’re at NASCAR.” -Jack Stephan, US Airways captain based in Annapolis, Maryland, who has been flying since 1984

“The two worst airports for us: Reagan National in Washington, D.C., and John Wayne in Orange County, California. You’re flying by the seat of your pants trying to get in and out of those airports. John Wayne is especially bad because the rich folks who live near the airport don’t like jet noise, so they have this noise abatement procedure where you basically have to turn the plane into a ballistic missile as soon as you’re airborne.” -Pilot, South Carolina

“At some airports with really short runways, you’re not going to have a smooth landing no matter how good we are: John Wayne Airport; Jackson Hole, Wyoming; Chicago Midway; and Reagan National.” -Joe D’Eon, a pilot at a major airline

“I may be in uniform, but that doesn’t mean I’m the best person to ask for directions in the airport. We’re in so many airports that we usually have no idea.” -Pilot for a regional carrier, Charlotte, North Carolina

“This happens all the time: We’ll be in Pittsburgh going to Philly, and there will be a weather delay. The weather in Pittsburgh is beautiful. Then I’ll hear passengers saying, ‘You know, I just called my friend in Philly, and it’s beautiful there too,’ like there’s some kind of conspiracy or something. But in the airspace between Pittsburgh and Philly there’s a huge thunderstorm.” -Jack Stephan

“You may go to an airline website and buy a ticket, pull up to its desk at the curb, and get onto an airplane that has a similar name painted on it, but half the time, you’re really on a regional airline. The regionals aren’t held to the same safety standards as the majors: Their pilots aren’t required to have as much training and experience, and the public doesn’t know that.” -Captain at a major airline

“Most of the time, how you land is a good indicator of a pilot’s skill. So if you want to say something nice to a pilot as you’re getting off the plane, say ‘Nice landing.’ We do appreciate that.” -Joe D’Eon

“Cabin air is not as dirty as people think. A portion of the air is recirculated because that helps to reduce humidity. But it’s run through hospital-quality HEPA filters, and it’s actually cleaner than the air found in most public buildings.” -Patrick Smith, commercial pilot and author, askthepilot.com

“No, it’s not your imagination: Airlines really have adjusted their flight arrival times so they can have a better record of on-time arrivals. So they might say a flight takes two hours when it really takes an hour and 45 minutes.” -AirTran Airways captain, Atlanta

When to Worry

“It’s one thing if the pilot puts the seat belt sign on for the passengers. But if he tells the flight attendants to sit down, you’d better listen. That means there’s some serious turbulence ahead.” -John Greaves, airline accident lawyer and former airline captain, Los Angeles

“There’s no such thing as a water landing. It’s called crashing into the ocean.” -Pilot, South Carolina

“A plane flies into a massive updraft, which you can’t see on the radar at night, and it’s like hitting a giant speed bump at 500 miles an hour. It throws everything up in the air and then down very violently. That’s not the same as turbulence, which bounces everyone around for a while.” -John Nance, aviation safety analyst and retired airline captain, Seattle

“Is traveling with a baby in your lap safe? No. It’s extremely dangerous. If there’s any impact or deceleration, there’s a good chance you’re going to lose hold of your kid, and he becomes a projectile. But the government’s logic is that if we made you buy an expensive seat for your baby, you’d just drive, and you’re more likely to be injured driving than flying.” -Patrick Smith

When Not to Worry

“Pilots find it perplexing that so many people are afraid of turbulence. It’s all but impossible for turbulence to cause a crash. We avoid turbulence not because we’re afraid the wing is going to fall off but because it’s annoying.” -Patrick Smith

“People always ask, ‘What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you?’ I tell them it was a van ride from the Los Angeles airport to the hotel, and I’m not kidding.” -Jack Stephan

“I’ve been struck by lightning twice. Most pilots have. Airplanes are built to take it. You hear a big boom and see a big flash and that’s it. You’re not going to fall out of the sky.” -Pilot for a regional carrier, Charlotte, North Carolina

We Don't Get It

“Most of you wouldn’t consider going down the highway at 60 miles an hour without your seat belt fastened. But when we’re hurtling through the air at 500 miles an hour and we turn off the seat belt sign, half of you take your seat belts off. But if we hit a little air pocket, your head will be on the ceiling.” -Captain at a major airline

“If you’re going to recline your seat, for God’s sake, please check behind you first. You have no idea how many laptops are broken every year by boorish passengers who slam their seat back with total disregard to what’s going on behind them.” -John Nance

“There is no safest place to sit. In one accident, the people in the back are dead; in the next, it’s the people up front.” -John Nance

Advice for Nervous Fliers

“The smoothest place to sit is often over or near the wing. The bumpiest place to sit is in the back. A plane is like a seesaw. If you’re in the middle, you don’t move as much.” -Patrick Smith

“If you’re a nervous flier, book a morning flight. The heating of the ground later causes bumpier air, and it’s much more likely to thunderstorm in the afternoon.” -Jerry Johnson, pilot, Los Angeles

What Really Drives Us Crazy

“Please don’t complain to me about your lost bags or the rotten service or that the airline did this or that. My retirement was taken to help subsidize your $39 airfare.” -Pilot, South Carolina

“Here’s a news flash: We’re not sitting in the cockpit listening to the ball game. Sometimes we can ask the controllers to go to their break room to check the score. But when I fly to Pittsburgh on a Sunday afternoon, the passengers send the flight attendants up at least ten times to ask us the Steelers score.” -Commercial pilot, Charlotte, North Carolina

“I am so tired of hearing ‘Oh my God, you’re a girl pilot.’ When you see a black pilot, do you say ‘Oh my God, you’re a black pilot’?” -Pilot for a regional carrier

Those Silly Rules, Explained

“We don’t make you stow your laptop because we’re worried about electronic interference. It’s about having a projectile on your lap. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to get hit in the head by a MacBook going 200 miles per hour.” -Patrick Smith

“People don’t understand why they can’t use their cell phones. Well, what can happen is 12 people will decide to call someone just before landing, and I can get a false reading on my instruments saying that we are higher than we really are.” -Jim Tilmon

“We’re not trying to ruin your fun by making you take off your headphones. We just want you to be able to hear us if there’s an emergency.” -Patrick Smith

“We ask you to put up the window shade so the flight attendants can see outside in an emergency, to assess if one side is better for an evacuation. It also lets light into the cabin if it goes dark and helps passengers get oriented if the plane flips or rolls over.” -Patrick Smith

It's Not All Glamour Up in the Air

“When you get on that airplane at 7 a.m., you want your pilot to be rested and ready. But the hotels they put us in now are so bad that there are many nights when I toss and turn. They’re in bad neighborhoods, they’re loud, they’ve got bedbugs, and there have been stabbings in the parking lot.” -Jack Stephan

“Those buddy passes they give us? I give them only to my enemies now. Sure, you can get a $1,000 airfare to Seattle for $100. But since you have to fly standby, it will take you three months to get back because you can’t get a seat.” -Pilot, South Carolina

Here's a Little More Free Advice

“Cold on the airplane? Tell your flight attendant. We’re in a constant battle with them over the temperature. They’re moving all the time, up and down the aisles, so they are always calling and saying, ‘Turn up the air.’ But most passengers I know are freezing.” -Captain at a major carrier

“I always tell my kids to travel in sturdy shoes. If you have to evacuate and your flip-flops fall off, there you are standing on the hot tarmac or in the weeds in your bare feet.” -Joe D’Eon

“Most people get sick after traveling not because of what they breathe but because of what they touch. Always assume that the tray table and the button to push the seat back have not been wiped down, though we do wipe down the lavatory.” -Patrick Smith

“The general flow of air in any airplane is from front to back. So if you’re really concerned about breathing the freshest possible air or not getting too hot, sit as close to the front as you can. Planes are generally warmest in the back.” -Tech pilot at a regional airline, Texas

“I know pilots who spend a quarter million on their education and training, then that first year as a pilot, they qualify for food stamps.” -Furloughed first officer, Texas

Behind the Cockpit Door

“Do pilots sleep in there? Definitely. Sometimes it’s just a ten-minute catnap, but it happens.” -John Greaves

“People tend to think the airplane is just flying itself. Trust me, that’s not true. It can fly by itself sometimes. But you’ve always got your hands on the controls waiting for it to mess up. And it does mess up.” -Pilot, South Carolina

“One time I rode in the jump seat of a 747 freighter, which carries cargo, not passengers. As soon as the doors closed, the first officer went in back and put on a bathrobe and slippers. No kidding. He said, ‘I’ll be damned if I’m going to wear a tie for a bunch of boxes.’” -Tech pilot at a regional airline, Texas

“We don’t wear our hats in the cockpit, by the way. On TV and in the Far Side comic, you always see these pilots with their hats on, and they have their headsets on over the hat, and that always makes us laugh.” -Joe D’Eon

“Remember this before you complain about the cost of a ticket: Fares today are about the same as they were in the 1980s.” -Patrick Smith

A Parting Thought

“Here’s the truth about airline jobs: You don’t have as much time off as your neighbors think you have, you don’t make as much money as your relatives think you make, and you don’t have as many girlfriends as your wife thinks you have. Still, I can’t believe they pay me to do this.” -Commercial pilot, Charlotte, North Carolina

Three Things Pilots Will Never Say

“We’re heading into some thunderstorms.” What they’ll say instead: “It looks like there’s some weather [or “rough air” or “rain showers”] up ahead.”

“One of our engines just failed.” What they’ll say instead: “One of our engines is indicating improperly.” (Or more likely, they’ll say nothing, and you’ll never know the difference. Most planes fly fine with one engine down.)

Well, folks, the visibility out there is zero.” What they’ll say instead: “There’s some fog in the Washington area.”

http://www.rd.com/home-garden/50-secrets-your-pilot-wont-tell-you/article186583.html

Karma is a Big Fat Bitch (or a very small penis in some cases)

2010-10-20T19:47:00.007-04:00

I would like to share a ~~retarded~~ moronic yet rewarding experience that occurred on a recent flight.

I was working in the back of the plane, and as you are all probably aware, for some reason everyone needs to come use the bathroom as soon as they board the plane because apparently there aren’t any bathrooms in the terminal. And I don’t know about you, but I surely prefer using the permanent piss-stained smell of the incredibly small and dirty lav to a nice large clean bathroom at the gate. But I digress…

So this guy comes to the back of the plane during the very busy and usual clusterfuck we call the boarding process. Anyway he asks where the lav is (apparently it’s not completely obvious that it’s the only door with a doorknob on it) and makes some usual ~~retarded~~ moronic comment like “ohhh, so do we get prime rib on this flight”? Hardy-fucking-har. I roll my eyes, point to the lav door (1 foot in front of his big fat face) and advise this lovely passenger to turn the doorknob to open it. He uses the bathroom (of course without flushing. thanks asshole.), comes out and tries to start chatting me up with a ridiculously redundant and retarded conversation. At this point I’m ready to pull a Slater; grab a couple of beers, blow the slide and get the fuck out of there. But yeah, I need to actually do my job, so if you could get out of my galley, go kindly SIT DOWN AND STFU that would be great.

I’m walking through the cabin, doing my thing – and of course said ~~retarded~~ moronic passenger stops me to ask a dumb question (are there really any legitimate questions on a plane? not many.). Dude, can’t you tell that I’m fucking busy? We haven’t even closed the goddamned door yet!! So we finally get all the passengers seated, the bags stowed, and close the door to get rolling (baby Jesus please get me the fuck out of here). So guess what, I’m in the middle of performing the required and slightly important safety demonstration and retarded passenger (I will refer to "~~retarded~~ moronic passenger" as RP herein) puts his hand out holding a cup. Wow, look…a cup! Congrats? Oh wait, I’m sorry…is that your attempt at letting me know that you have something to throw away at the most inopportune time possible. Again, do I not look fucking busy right now??

As an aside, if you are a passenger and would like the flight attendant to take your trash – all you need to do is just kindly ask us. That’s all. If you ring your call button, wave obnoxiously, snap your fingers, or just hold it up in the air or in the middle of the aisle; I will secretly wish that I could punch you in the neck, give you the evil eye, grab the piece of trash… and then go to the back galley and call you horrible names whilst flipping you off behind the bulkhead so that no one can see or hear me. All the FAs will then be talking about you and how much of a douche you are.

I know this may be shocking, but shortly after take-off RP comes back to the galley YET AGAIN, and AGAIN proceeds to get all up in my business, then uses the lav AGAIN. I ignore the fucker (pray to baby Jesus that he somehow gets flushed into the dark abyss) and once again try to get to work, this time doing my beverage service. Keep in mind; this is a ONE-HOUR FLIGHT. During the bev service he asks for some ridiculous drink that no plane carries (probably root beer, red cream soda or iced tea) and I have to say “no” after each request. “Do you have…”? No. “Do you have…”? No. “Do you have…”? No. RP then says: “Well what DO you have then”? Me: “Probably all the items you have been watching me serve to every single person around you for the last 10 minutes”. Ok, I didn’t really say that but I soooo wanted to. Although I may have said something along the lines of “As we mentioned in the announcement 2 minutes ago, the options are listed in the magazine”.

So I make it to the galley to prepare for landing (again, this is a ONE-HOUR FLIGHT) and RP comes back again to use the bathroom. Only this time he attempts to pull the door behind him to close it, but because he really can't be bothered (probably because it's his 3rd time in 20 minutes) he doesn't pull it closed completely - hence the door doesn’t latch properly and is not secured. So at anyone’s glance, to them the lav is essentially unoccupied. Normally in this case I would be nice and just push the door closed from the outside for the passenger. With RP? Not so much. Out of the corner of my eye I see that another passenger (an attractive woman) is approaching the lavatory to use it. I turn away doing that nonchalant whistle you see in the movies, knowing exaaaactly what is about to happen (God I love a good karmic boomerang)… I look up (doing my movie whistle)...into the back corner of the galley as if I am about to do something important (hahaha!) and allow nature to take its course. The female passenger opens the door on RP just as he is taking a piss – for everyone in the back of the plane to see.

So yeah, karma can indeed be a very small penis.

R.I.P. Barbara Billingsley

2010-10-18T23:51:00.000-04:00

Hey BB!

2010-10-18T00:25:00.001-04:00

For those of you unfamiliar, "BB" is an airline CEO who recently appeared on Undercover Boss. This is my reply to that episode.

Welcome Aboard: Unfortunate Fashion Victims

2010-10-16T21:36:00.002-04:00

I love NASCAR fashion, especially on women. Hawt.

Please see my "What not to Wear" post. Sleeves people, wear some god damned sleeves - for fuck's sake!!

That yellow puff? It's hair. Someone actually left their house with that. 3 words: Hot Fucking Mess.

How to be the Perfect Passenger

2010-10-14T17:44:00.000-04:00

Sit down and shut the fuck up.

The end.

Flight Attendant and Average Passenger

2010-10-13T15:19:00.001-04:00

10 Ways to Tell if You're an Annoying Airline Passenger

2010-10-12T22:45:00.001-04:00

We've probably all been guilty of bugging someone at some point in our travels, but here are a few pointers to make life easier for your fellow travelers and flight crew.

By Tracy Stewart, Airfarewatchdog.com

With summer in the rear-view, it's time once again to think about holiday travel arrangements. Sigh. I know, I know. It's stressful schlepping across the country to eat your body weight in gelatin desserts, candied yams, and smoked birds, isn't it? The airport is terrible. And the people! The people are annoying. Are you one of them? We've probably all been guilty of bugging someone at some point in our travels, but here are a few pointers to make life easier for your fellow travelers and flight crew:

1. You may find small inconsistencies here and there, but security regulations are pretty much standard across the board. Is it really a surprise that your cell phone will set off the metal detector? Help speed things up by placing all your metal and electronic doodads in a coat pocket or carry-on pouch, remove your laptop from its case, have liquids/gels/toiletries in the TSA-approved quart-sized bag, and have those shoes ready to toss in the tray. And yes, that nonfat macchiato you just bought does in fact count as a liquid. As does that 6-gallon vat of Gold Bond Medicated Cream you forgot to put in your checked baggage. Don't argue with the nice agent. Keep it moving.

2. Standing still on the people mover. Exhilarating, isn't it? Enjoy the ride! But at least move to the right so others can get around. And move those bags out of the way too. Thanks!

3. Carry-ons and overheads, bad news first: You may have to store your carry-on in an overhead bin other than the one directly above your seat. The good news? Every overhead bin on the plane is going to the same place you're going! Quelle coinkidink! Heck, even if you're asked to check your carry-on, you'll still see it again upon arrival. A slight inconvenience, yes, but no need for a meltdown. Just take whatever items you may need during the flight and keep them under the seat in front of you. No biggie.

4. Be accommodating to your seatmates and fellow passengers, without being creepy. Are they avoiding eye contact when taking their seat? If so, they probably aren't up for a get-to-know-you chitchat. Taking the redeye and notice everyone in your row sleeping? Then keep your shade down and turn the reading light off a little sooner. And would it kill you to swap seats so that family can sit together? Probably not.

5. Whoa there, Burger King, go easy on the smells. You wouldn't want your seatmate blowing stogie smoke in your face, and that steaming Whopper with onion isn't any better. If you're starving, forgo that grease-blotted bag of fast food for something a little more discreet. Have you ever in your life caught a whiff of M&Ms, or a ham and cheese, or a bag of trail-mix? No? Well, there you go. Buy those instead.

And this isn't solely a food offense. Remember, you're in a plane, not the hair & make-up trailer. While your attempts at getting beautiful are sure to be a hit on the ground, the nail polish and the Axe body spray aren't gonna make you any friends up in the air. At the very least, do your spritzing and fixing in the lavatory. Related: Armpits and feet...hellooo? Are you smuggling Doritos in those socks? Keep it clean, people.

6. Surely, you've heard? All portable electronics, mobile phones, laptops, etc. must be switched off during take-off and landing. Think this rule is just a bunch of hooey? Whatever effect your last minute call to the office might have on the delicate instruments of the aircraft is not up for debate. It's a risk your fellow passengers and their families probably don't care to take. So, whatever it is, it can wait. And please don't give the crew any lip if they ask you again to turn it off, mmkay?

7. Kicking and screaming. This is a delicate one, but not necessarily all that complicated. Parents traveling with children, please keep your child from kicking the back of the seat, slipping arms between seats, yelling, and being a nuisance to fellow passengers. You may be desensitized to this sort of thing, but the guy in front of you is not. Annoyed passenger, should the trouble persist and you have to ask the parent to intervene, do so in a polite and pleasant tone. Making someone feel like an inadequate parent will only make things worse.

As for crying infants...well, sorry, it happens. And there's not much to be done about it. One thing's for sure. Those pricey noise-canceling headphones you passed up on the ground are looking puh-retty worth it about now, aren't they? Maybe buy them next time. You'll be so glad you did.

8. Clapping upon landing? Really? This one isn't so much annoying as it is baffling. How exactly did you imagine this flight would end?

9. Stay seated until the aircraft has reached the gate. Yes, the siren song of 200-something seat belts unfastening in unison is very exciting. You've landed, you want to stand up, and you want your stuff! But hang cool, teddybear. Even if by some chance you've collected your things from the overhead the moment the wheels touch the ground... uh, where exactly do you plan on going? The door is still closed and there are about 60 people seated in the rows before you, all of whom are just as eager to deplane.

10. Once at baggage claim, all sense of personal space seems to go out the window. And it's no wonder, after having spent all those hours confined to such a tiny seat. But don't wriggle your way through a cluster of waiting people only to block their access to the belt. That's annoying. Those people are waiting on their bag too. The conveyor belt is long and winding, with plenty of room for everyone.

A short list of the Douchebaggery that has occurred thus far on my trip

2010-10-12T21:24:00.002-04:00

A soldier in his mid-40’s (Airbourne Division) walks onto the aircraft (yes, that large door with the handle in the front of the plane) and asked me (while pointing towards the back of the aircraft) if Row 1 was “back there”.
Man stared me down as I was opening the overhead bin during flight. As if I am up there rummaging through some random bag, it’s MINE. Don’t look at me like I’m a fucking thief. Yeah, I’m going through your stuff trying to steal all of the massive dildos in your bag…right in front of you. Busted!
A passenger walks on board and says, “I’d like to order the prime rib” (nyuck nyuck). Hahahahaaha, that is sooooooo funny – I have never heard THAT one before. You’re so very clever and original. And retarded, and NOT funny, at all.
A female passenger asks myself and the other FA what the difference was between (names changed to protect the innocent) “GFY Airline” and “GFY Airline Express”. She advised us “Ohhh, I thought that “EXPRESS” meant that we just went really, really fast”. Yes, that is exactly what it means. MACH 2 BABY.
Please pray that I don't punch anyone in the throat tomorrow. I have one more day to go.

Public Service Announcement: Toilets on Airplanes DO Flush

2010-10-07T20:46:00.001-04:00

I guess I should start off by walking you through how to actually identify, and then access the lavatory. The bathroom is the door marked “LAVATORY” (it’s not one of those big doors with the huge handles that you entered the aircraft through). Anyway, there is this weird round apparatus located approximately midway up the outside of the LAVATORY door. This weird apparatus is called a doorknob. Turn it.

So yeah anyway, once you figure out how to find and then enter the lav (just in case you are unaware)…airplanes DO in fact have toilets that flush. THEY ARE NOT OUTHOUSES!

Please do us all a favor and just flush after you take a shit or piss! There is this button directly above the toilet paper; and it says, “FLUSH” on it. Go figure.

Also, I would also like to highly recommend wearing shoes when you go into the lav. That liquid on the floor? Probably not water. It amazes me that people actually walk into the lav without shoes. I’m gonna just assume that they do the same thing at a gas station bathroom as well. Same fucking diff.

If you walk out of the lav after not flushing or washing your hands (yes, we can hear that you haven’t), swinging the door open harshly without closing it…inside I am really wishing that I could punch you in your face.

Have a nice day.

From the "Just when I thought I’d seen it all" files...

2010-10-07T00:44:00.002-04:00

A passenger walks on board with this 5' tall check for me to stow. Yes, I said a CHECK.

(I thought I'd be nice and cover the name to protect the pax's privacy)

Diarrhea ch chh chhhh…

2010-10-07T00:09:00.000-04:00

This may not be an aviation-related story, however it is very good evidence of just how retarded people out in the world really are.

Here’s the scene, picture it: My daughter and I are at the Doctor’s office for one of her post-knee surgery appointments. We are sitting in the waiting room (waiting forever, of course), and in walks a Mom with her 18 month old daughter on her hip. She approaches the reception area to check-in and advises the receptionist that her daughter “was a mess and had to clean her up”. My daughter and I could see from across the room that the child was covered in SHIT. So I guess for her the word “mess” referred to explosive shit? Anyway there was diarrhea all up this kid’s back, it was completely soaked through all of her clothing – the works. It was disgusting. As a Mom I instantly sympathize, we have all been there…but then the unimaginable happens. I hear the Mom say that her husband had gone out to buy a change of clothing, so in the meantime she was going to clean her up. She walks a few steps (past the bathroom) further into the waiting room, close to where we were seated…and proceeds to strip the diarrhea baby right there on the floor IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WAITING ROOM!!

Seriously?? I mean no, SERIOUSLY!!?? My daughter and I are forced to sit there watching the shit fly; and needless to say…we were in complete disbelief. She strips down the kid NUDE, starts washing her up, changes her diaper, etc. I’m giving the receptionists the WTF look, shaking my head, and muttering profanities under my breath. One of the receptionists says to the Mom “Ma’am, there is a bathroom right there”, (it is literally 3 feet from her, 3 FEET, not miles) and her response is “Oh no, that’s OK I’m fine”. Again, my face goes right back into WTF mode. I can’t take it another second so I stand up while pointing to the bathroom and say to the Mom (possibly a tad sarcastically & condescending) “Ummm, there is a bathroom right there. It’s completely inappropriate and unsanitary to clean her up out here ON THE WAITING ROOM FLOOR. If you could use the bathroom, that would be great”. The Mom’s face all of a sudden looks foul (almost as foul as the smell of the shit permeating the waiting room area, but not quite), and she has the fucking nerve to look at ME like I had 2 heads. My first thought, “AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS”? And speaking of crazy pills, a Xanax would have really hit the spot at that point – but I digress.

Anyway, retard-hero Dad arrives with the clothing and saves the day, whilst yelling across the room “Who said that to you? Is she still here”? Apparently she told him what I had said (and probably that I was again, a tad sarcastic & condescending) – BUSTED!!

I ‘fessed up and his reply was “We are from Southern Ohio”. Again, WTF mode.

I’m at a complete loss.

I guess this means that some pilots aren’t completely sure WHERE their penis is?

2010-10-04T00:48:00.000-04:00

Please navigate directly towards the penis. Roger that, Captain.

What NOT to Wear

2010-10-04T00:39:00.009-04:00

If you’re traveling on one of those newfangled fancy jet aeroplanes, there are a few things that you should NOT WEAR whilst flying. It turns out that not only would it be thoroughly embarrassing to those wearing the items out in public (and very uncomfortable for the rest of us forced to look at your retarded asses), but they can also be extremely unsafe to wear whilst flying on said aeroplane.

Here are a few examples, as listed under the new FAA rules (FAR11748.6969):

ANY T-shirt without sleeves
Scrubs (we all know that you're not really a surgeon)
Leather ass-less chaps
Wife-beaters (of any color)
Pajamas (REALLY?? You're a fucking adult, for Christ's sake)
Sweats
Tube tops (unless you are young, hot and have a nice rack; per federal regulation)
House slippers, especially those with cartoon characters
Mullets
ANY cut off shirt exposing your fat overhanging midriff (officially called “FUPA”)
Crocs -- if you're not in a garden or kitchen, kill yourself
Dumb & ugly hats that can’t fit in the overhead bin
Cut-offs
Jean shorts with crew-length socks and white circa 1980's-1990’s sneakers
Mom jeans (with belt; see below)
Braided belts (in black, brown or even navy)
Daisy dukes
Mini skirts clear up to your vag
Heavy metal concert t-shirts 1991-current year
Brown Jesus sandals/Birkenstocks with or without socks

Pillow fight on board -- VIDEO! It's totally fun!

2010-10-03T16:15:00.005-04:00

This is BLOODY BRILLIANT! That Lufthansa FA was definitely a good sport. What fun!

Hey, 1992 called...

2010-10-02T08:48:00.000-04:00

I especially love the braided belt.

I love this kid

2010-10-01T23:40:00.000-04:00

More than anything I was jealous as hell. He was doing exactly what I reeeeally wanted to be doing...

Wedding Crasher!!

2010-10-01T23:31:00.001-04:00

Staying at random hotels definitely has its perks. One being the crashing of a wedding. Hey, I was stuck in Milwaukee & hungry for cake. What else was I supposed to do?!
(and yes, I took this photo -- it is the actual cake)

I'm Sorry...am I in Your Way??

2010-09-29T14:47:00.002-04:00

A couple of passengers decided to completely repack their luggage IN THE GALLEY during boarding. No, don't worry -- I'm sure it's nothing you could have done WHILE YOU WERE AT THE GATE WAITING FOR A FUCKING HOUR.

Assholes.

Leaving your shirt on whilst at the airport would be lovely...

2010-09-29T00:46:00.000-04:00

RANT # 1

2010-09-28T23:44:00.001-04:00

Actually today I would like to start my blog by providing a service to passengers of what NOT to do while on a flight.

I think I shall give you a few little examples – all of which happened on a recent 3-day trip.

Dear Passengers,

Just a heads up, when I am visibly in the middle of performing a work task; such as making a PA with PHONE IN HAND and reading the pertinent announcements I am required to, please don’t walk up to me (mid-announcement) and start trying to converse with me about dumb shit. Unless your arm was severed in the overhead bin & you're bleeding out... I really don’t want to hear about it at that very moment. I dunno, maybe just be polite and wait the 2 short minutes until I am finished before you ask me your stupid question?

When something about the flight upsets you, the over-dramatized audible sighs and groans paired with the extreme shaking of your head really aren’t appreciated. You are an asshole and hate everything – we get it. I suggest driving the few hundred miles next time. Unfortunately we as FAs are unable to punch you in the neck, but I bet your wife would do so if she were stuck in a car with your pissy-ass attitude for hours.

If you walk all the way to the back of the plane to ask me where Row 2 is, I will kindly advise you that it is directly behind Row 17, and just before Row 18 (of course). Duh. I mean where else would it be? Behind Row 1 or something!?

Yours truly,

Rants of a Sassy Stew